Back home

We spent 35 days at the NICU, and came back home two weeks ago. The first two weeks of her life, baby girl was fighting for her life. She was born with a condition called pulmonary hypertension, where her fetal circulation does not switch to normal circulation like it should with the first breath. She was on a heart lung bypass machine for 5 days, and then a ventilator for 2 weeks.

She made it with all the prayers she received. By God's grace, she is home and doing well. Thank you so much for your prayers and wishes. It means a lot to us. Hope to write a detailed post soon.

Prayers needed

Our baby girl arrived 3 days ago. She is critically ill, and is in the NICU. Please pray for her.

Almost 36 weeks...wow!

I can't believe I am almost 36 weeks! Things have been going smoothly so far and fortunately I have no major discomforts.

I do have a few of the common third trimester complaints (but I don't like to call it a complaint because I am not complaining!). Sleep is not as perfect as it used to be. I am the kind of person who can sleep sitting down if you ask me to - any time any where. I can sleep in the evenings, then again sleep through the night. My husband used to be soo jealous that I could fall asleep anywhere. Not anymore though. Falling asleep after getting up to pee can be difficult. Also, the nose congestion doesn't help either. The funniest thing is when I have to turn in bed. So I sleep on one side, and when I have to turn, I have to sit up in bed, and then turn to the other side. I can't just roll over like earlier. All this will hopefully prepare me for the many sleepless nights ahead.

Then there is the pressure "down there". When I sit in a place for too long, and then get up, I can barely walk, and I have to literally waddle because all the muscles seem tight, and there is this feeling of pressure. It usually goes away after I waddle around a bit. I have always wondered why pregnant women waddle - now I know!!

The general consensus seems to be that my bump is on the smaller side. And I think that's ok, because it doesn't come in the way much. I have friends who became huge, and they had so much difficulty just getting up from the couch. The doctor says the baby is measuring right on track, which is all that I care about. As for weight gain, I think I am on the lower end, because I had gained about 18 lbs at 35 weeks. Again, the doc said it wasn't of any concern. My appetite has not increased significantly, and thanks to my glucose levels, I can't binge on sugar either. Maybe all this will help shed the weight later?

I have so many other things to discuss, but with work, I barely have time to blog. Kindly note - I have been commenting without fail! I have three more weeks of work before maternity leave starts. I start my maternity a week before my due date. The whole "maternity leave in the US sucks" deserves a brand new post that I hope to come around to some time.

I know a few bloggers who are cycling - and have just had their transfer, or will be transferring soon. Wishing you loads of luck. Can't wait to hear about your BFPs!

Sugar woes

I went in for my one hour glucose tolerance test (GTT) around 29 weeks. The sugary drink (orange flavor for me!) was not as bad as I expected, but the results of the test were. My levels after one hour were at 150, while the doctors require a value of 130 or less. I attributed this to the croissant I ate for breakfast before the test, and decided that I would ace the 3 hour glucose tolerance test.
Next week I went in for my 3 hour test. I was very nervous about fasting for 12 hrs, but I managed to fast that long without much trouble. The 3 hour test is no fun at all. You sit there like an idiot for 3 hrs, and get poked on alternate arms every hour or so. And the drink they give is far worse because it has double the amount of glucose. Thankfully, my veins are easy to find, so the poking was not bad, and I didn't feel sick or uncomfortable like a lot of people experience.

I got a call 2 days later from the doctor's office and they said that all levels except my one hour levels were normal. So my 1 hr levels were at 192 (normal is 180 or less) while the other levels were well below normal. They said I should go meet a dietician. I tried asking them what this meant, how important it is to meet the dietician etc, but the lady had no clue. In fact, she gave me the levels only after I asked her for it.  Of course then I frantically googled, but alas, google could not give me any specific answers.

I decided I didn't want to meet the dietician. I'd try to restrict my sugar levels on my own. I confirmed with the doctor that I didn't need to be monitored. She said I would be fine on my own, if I could restrict my diet.

So here we are, off brownies and sweets and chocolates and icecreams. All the stuff I love! Wasn't pregnancy supposed to be the time when you eat what you want without worrying about weight gain? Wasn't this when I could indulge? Thankfully its only another 8 wks or less of low sugar diet, so I think I'll survive. I do still eat rice (which is our staple) but in lesser quantities. I switched from white bread to wheat bread, and keep an eye on how much I hog. I am not sure if this is helping, we'll just have to wait and see when the little one arrives. As far as weight gain goes, I think I am ok, because I gained about 15 lbs by 30 wks.

So far, the one thing I missed during this pregnancy was sex. Yes I know, you ask me why? Because my hubby is scared he'll do something to the baby. Also, I am so sore downstairs that I really don't mind either. Now I can add sweets to the list of things I miss.

Any suggestions about what I can eat and should not? Any one else had glucose intolerance as opposed to GD?

Last but not the least, I am approaching 32 wks and freaking out! More on that later. All in all, I feel great - no tiredness, just minor symptoms that are not too bothersome on and off.

Long overdue

Once again, I have been missing in action. Updates from me are long overdue, and I am really sorry I've been so lazy about blogging. I have been reading and commenting on all your blog updates, its just that I haven't sat down to put all my thoughts into words.

Firstly, I still feel a little awkward blogging about my pregnancy. It still seems surreal, and I keep hoping I am not offending those still waiting for their much deserved two pink likes.  Secondly, I have been really busy at work. And you guessed right, I do write blog posts during lunch breaks at work. And lunch breaks have been really short.

On to updates, I am finally in the third trimester! I can't believe I am actually here! Things seem to be going well so far with the pregnancy. People have finally been noticing the baby bump and asking me when I am due. Till about 20 weeks, I just looked round and the bump looked more like rolls of fat. It seems like my bump is not all that big to begin with, and I started showing quite late. Does that mean little pumpkin is on the smaller side? I know I was a very small baby when I was born, so I have a feeling our princess is going to be on the smaller side as well. Which might work out to my advantage at the time of delivery!

I have been feeling fine so far. It is a little more difficult to sleep at night. I am a continuous and heavy sleeper, but now I wake up a lot more often at night. Its probably just a training session for all the sleepless nights ahead of us. Other symptoms include occasional nosebleeds. But over all I feel quite normal.

My favorite part of being pregnant has been feeling the baby move. I started feeling actual movements (and not just flutters and gas bubbles) only after 20 weeks. But since then, I can feel her move regularly. My favorite pastime is to watch my belly move around. When I am at work, I try to feel her movements (making sure no one is around) because I don't want to miss any of it. The next three months will fly by, and who knows when and if I'll get to feel another baby moving in there in the future. So I want to make the most of these kicks and pokes. I have also felt what might most likely be hiccups - repeated small movements. I try to imagine what she is upto inside, and it always brings a smile to my face.

I will try and add other updates in my next post, I don't want to jam all my thoughts into one long post! That is assuming I stop procrastinating and actually write another post.

Last, but not the least, a shout out to all of you who had babies in the past few weeks. Whether it was IVF, or IUI, or a miracle pregnancy, you have all come a long way to holding your little ones, and I know you will be an inspiration to those still struggling. And a bigger shout out to those currently undergoing cycles, or pursuing adoption - know that the beautiful day when you hold your little one in your arms is not far away.

Its a....

We had our 20 plus weeks scan last Thursday. Everything went well, although I felt like the ultrasound was over too soon. I could have watched the little one forever!

Our tech was nice, but she was so quick. She went from "this is the heart" to "these are the kidneys" in to time. All I could see was a blur. But we did get to see the little hands and legs, and fingers, and the four chambers of the heart, and the face etc. When it was time for the gender, the little one became shy and had crossed legs! The tech poked my tummy a bit - and told us its a girl!! We are beyond excited. It wouldn't have mattered whether it was a boy or a girl, but now that we know, I can start dreaming accordingly!

The baby was pretty quiet through the scan, she just moved and stretched a bit, that's all. No somersaults or big movements. Maybe that's why the measurements could be taken easily? At one point though, I became dizzy. It could have been because of lying on my back for too long, or just the anxiety and excitement of it all.

So now that we know the gender, suggestions for names have started pouring in. Its interesting, trying to act like you like a name suggestion (when you don't really care for it), without hurting the person giving you the suggestion. I've started compiling a list, but there is no name yet that we both absolutely love. Well we do have time! I can't believe we get to name our own little munchkin.

I am about 21 plus weeks now, and have started feeling some pokes and kicks. Its pretty random, but assuming its not gas, there is definitely something. Sometimes, I can feel it from the outside. Friends tell me that now I will be obsessing about how often she moves, and why she didn't move etc.

Symptom-wise, I have been feeling very normal, but fortunately I have felt normal all through this pregnancy. I have started eliminating clothes that I don't fit into anymore, so now I am down to a few loose ones. Its a challenge, getting dressed for work in the morning. Luckily, since I work in a university, jeans and a t-shirt work fine too. I'll see how long I can go without having to buy maternity clothes. 

Why is it so easy for them?

Oh how I hate all these facebook updates. I know I know, I should stop complaining about others getting pregnant, at least now. But I think the last two years of pain are so deeply ingrained in my soul, that I can't stop thinking these thoughts.

Almost every day, when I open facebook, I get updates about some friend who just had a baby. Most of the time, they do not post any pregnancy updates (thank God for that), so I usually have no idea they are pregnant. So it comes as sort of a surprise.

Of course, I then do the right thing - which is go to their profile and congratulate them. And then I check their albums. And realize that the previous big vacation they took to some beautiful destination somewhere in Europe or Asia was exactly 10 months ago. Which means they decided to take this expensive, long vacation before having a baby, then came home and tried once, and bam, nine months later they have their baby. I know this is how things work for most people. But it still irks me so much!

My husband always wanted to take a vacation to Europe (back in 2009), but I told him we had to start trying for a baby, that if we kept waiting, who knows how long it could take. Well turns out I was right, and we didn't get pregnant the first month, or the next, or the next. We didn't take our Europe vacation, and we didn't have our baby either.

I wish I could overcome these feelings, and become a nice person again. I wish I could be more like hubby, who just doesn't care about these things...who lives and lets live. I wish I could erase away this bitterness and cleanse my soul, and get ready to be a good parent. I will get there, some day, right?

In other news, I am 20 weeks along, we are half way there! We have our next U/S in 4 days, and I am so excited to see the little one. Its been 11 long weeks since we last saw him/her. And hopefully we'll get to find out if its a boy or a girl!

Extreme parenting

One of the upsides of being an infertile (surprise surprise, there actually are upsides!) is that you get the opportunity to watch your friends bring up their child/children. We have been using this as an chance to make a mental list of "what to do" and "what not to do" that we can refer to when its finally our turn for parenting. Most of my friends' kids are in the 1 - 2 yr range, an interesting time in the life of a child when their personalities are forming. We have come to the conclusion that the child's basic nature contributes to 30 % of his personality formation, while 70 % depends on his/her parents.I'd like to compare 2 of my close friends who had kids in 2010. I believe they are on extreme ends of the parenting spectrum.

We had the opportunity to spend almost two weeks with one couple (lets call them the cool couple) and their cool kid, since they stayed with us for 2 weeks when cool kid was around 6 months. We had already predicted that this couple would make great parents, because they are both calm composed people. And it turned out to be just as we predicted. I loved the way cool mother took care of cool kid. She would feed the baby only once in 4 hrs or so, and the baby was really good with eating/drinking. He would gurgle down the entire amount of milk given and get a little upset when the bottle was taken away (its not that he didn't get enough, I think he didn't know when to stop, he would probably have drunk double the amount, given a chance). She would never run to him with a bottle of formula as soon as he got fussy. Actually he rarely ever did get fussy. She co-slept with the baby. But she never walked around with the baby trying to put him to sleep. She would just lie next to the baby, turn the lights off and give him the pacifier. He would sleep on his own, no fuss, no wailing etc. And he usually slept at night for at least 6 hrs, waking up in the morning only when he was hungry. I've never seen a child wake up with such a huge smile on his face. He is the happiest cutest baby I have seen in a long time. And I think that has a lot to do with how his parents take care of him. They also came and stayed with us for a few days when he was almost 1. He had grown up into this adorable little kiddo, unsteadily walking around the house, trying to open cabinets, eat leaves off our indoor plants, and put everything in sight into his mouth. He would eat on only while seated at his designated chair (since we didn't have a high chair) and his mom would feed him only at that place, and only once in 4 - 5 hrs. No intermittent snacking on junk. At meal time, he was sufficiently hungry, and would eat up all the yuck stuff his mom would feed him - including pureed carrots, spinach, broccoli or peas. Once again, his sleep routine was as before, his parents would lie down with him, lights off (and now he's almost off his pacifier) and he would fall asleep, waking up happy in the morning after a good long nights sleep. His routine meant that we got enough time with his parents to talk to them, go out with them and generally spend time with them. The child did not dictate the rules. Happy parents and happy child. We have mentally taken notes about "what to do" from this couple.

On to the couple 2, whom we will refer to as anxious couple. Now their basic nature is to be anxious about everything, and exaggerate every situation (this was true even before they had their child). Don't get me wrong, they are very close friends whom we love very much, but they are what they are! They spent 2 days with us recently, with their son who is around 13 months old. They traveled to our place with almost a house full of stuff, everything from bedding to toys to bottles and enough clothes for a month. They are obsessive about their child, to say the least. Most of their day is spent trying to feed this child. Now as far as we could make out, this child is as healthy as any 13 month old. Anxious mom and anxious dad take turns to try and feed their child. We noticed that the child was getting his fill. He is supposed to eat like a 13 month old, and is not expected to eat like an adult, correct? And as soon as he had his fill, he would start throwing his food around, bat away his mother's hand, or retrieve stuff from his mouth and throw it at his mother. It appeared like this was his signal that he was done. But they would continue to try and force feed him, trying to push stuff into his mouth, which he would promptly spit out (all the while, I was having panic attacks looking at all the stuff that was ending up on our couch and carpet and walls). Then they would walk after him, as he went from room to room, trying to coax him to eat a little more. After 2 hrs of this ordeal, they would set about making his next meal, which they would again start feeding him in 2 hrs. I mean, shouldn't the child be given at least enough time to digest his previous meal? Add to that, they try and give him snacks every 15 min or so. Both hubby and I were getting increasingly surprised at their parenting methods. As for sleep time, I remember we went to their home when their baby was about 5 months. They would walk around with him, rocking him, for at least an hour before he finally fell asleep. Then he would wake up every 2 -3 hrs through the night. These days, they continue to take at least 2 hours trying to put him to sleep. They even use soothing music all night long to try and keep him asleep. Now I understand that some babies are more fussy, take longer to sleep, and are harder to feed. But this baby's antics seemed more because of his parents reinforcing his behavior. For example, if the child falls (which is normal I think when they are learning to walk), they go into overdrive ooohhhing and OMGing, so the child now knows to cry and wail every time he falls, even though its obvious that the fall was harmless. I could go on and on about this couple and their child. We barely got to spend any time with them, because most of their time, they were too anxious that their child hadn't eaten enough. They seemed tensed all the time. We have definitely made a long list of "what not to do" from this couple.

We have a few months before we begin to test our own parenting skills. I know that a lot of my comments may come back to haunt me. Who knows if I will turn out to another Indian mother complaining about how her child never eats (I think 90 % of Indian parents have this complaint), or doesn't sleep. I know hubby definitely won't be that way, and I tell him often to reprimand me if I turn out to be another obsessive crazy mother. I know its probably wrong for me to judge people and their parenting skills, but I think that its one of the perks of having kids late. We get to judge others for a long time, till we finally get to be parents. Shouldn't we at least be able to enjoy the perks of being an infertile?

Have you encountered such extreme parenting methods? I'd love to hear some stories about crazy fertile parents!

Where have you been?

Still very much here, and still growing a little one. I realize I have just one post for April. Its May already. As usual, a lot of posts have been brewing, but haven't had a chance to post.

We are finally in the second trimester. I continue to be anxious and a little fearful, but I am trying to squish those thoughts and trying to be positive. We have started telling friends and extended family. Other than the spotting, the first tri went really well, since I had no sickness. I feel fortunate and blessed, and am hoping things continue well.

Here are some of the responses I got to our announcement and my replies. My true thoughts are in parantheses.

1. So what made you change your mind finally? Ans: Oh you know, we thought it was time. (What I really would have liked to say: Let's see, we made up our minds a year and a half ago, but life decided to change its mind and give us a chance only now)

2. So do you think you are ready? Ans: Yes we think so. (We have been ready for so long, we had forgotten what we were ready for. So its a whole new process of getting ready again, because really, we had lost track).

3. Oh yes, I was wondering what became of that. Since you have been at it for so long. Ans: Yes, we didn't think it was necessary to hurry, so we took it easy. (Every failed month is brandished in my brain, every tear I shed, every jealous thought I had has taken its toll on us, but you wouldn't want to hear about that, would you?).

4. Finally! So did you have to take any treatments? Ans: No. (Yes, we went through umpteen tests. Then I had the nurse insert my DH's washed sperm up the lady, since we like to be different and all).

Of course, I got lots of positive reactions too. I reiterate, this journey has made me realize who our real friends are. It has been wonderful telling friends, although I keep praying at the same time that I am not jinxing anything.


That's it from me, until my next post in ohh....a month :)

It still hurts

I still have trouble hearing pregnancy announcements. Last week, my friend informed me about her friend who was pregnant. Now I barely know this friend's friend, so I have no idea why I was being told about someone whom I haven't met in the last 3 years. All I could say was "hmmm". Just today an old classmate emailed me about a common friend who just found out she is pregnant. And I had this weird kind of reaction. My heart raced and my eyes teared up. It was the same kind of reaction I had, every time I received an email or a FB status update about someone getting knocked up. This time around, the reaction was milder, but still very much there!

I reminded myself that if all goes well, I'll have the baby before she does! Almost like it mattered that I had somehow "won" the race. I know I should probably be classified as evil for even thinking such thoughts. I have no idea if this friend struggled to conceive, or if she conceived right away. But I still had this strange feeling of jealousy creep in.

Its almost like I can't let go of this feeling of irritation at people who get it so easily. I know its time I let go, and instead, be thankful for our own situation. BUT, it just keeps coming back. Just the other day, I remember watching an Indian movie with my hubby. In the movie the girl finds out she's pregnant barely a month after they get married. Now Indian movies are dramatic. The universal scene to show that someone is pregnant is to show her puking or fainting, then the mother in law smiling and asking if she feels like eating a sour mango. Its cliche' times 100. As soon as this girl started puking in the movie, I got angry. I said "how dare she, how convenient, how do they get it so easily" etc etc. My hubby had to hold me back and remind me that it was just a movie, and anyway it shouldn't matter to me. But it does, and that's the irony of the situation. My feelings towards pregnancy announcements haven't changed. Maybe over time things will get better and I won't well up on hearing the words "good news"?

I will continue to wonder though, every time I hear news such as these - "was it easy for them, did they just have sex and get pregnant, or did they have to go through a million tests, drive to the doctor for early morning appointments, and have odd things inserted into them?"

Some day I hope to become a better person, but as of today, I am still jealous, evil and bitter. Sigh, I guess I am destined to hell ain't I?

Its been forever!

My last post was exactly three weeks ago, which goes to show how lazy I am when it comes to blogging. But I hope you have noticed that I have been faithfully commenting on all your blog posts. So I have very much been around.
One of the reasons I haven't posted is because I don't seem to have much to say. Things have been going fine (thankfully). I consider myself very very fortunate that I have no pregnancy symptoms so far. No sickness so far, and hopefully it will stay that way. Although, the lack of symptoms is also accompanied by this nagging worry if everything is alright. I tried talking about this to one of my friends, and realized that others just won't get it. I tried telling her about how life teaches you so much. I am a worrier in general, but if it were not for the infertility, I think I would have been a lot more worry free about the pregnancy. It took us 1.5 yrs to get here, so I know of a million things that could potentially go wrong. It most probably will be alright, but still. This friend fell pregnant very easily with her child, so its hard to explain why I worry. She thought I was overdoing it (whcih I probably am). I know she was only trying to allay my fears, but at the end of the conversation, I realized that only someone who has gone through IF will understand the fears and the worries.

Luckily, we had a chance to put some of my fears to rest today. We had an U/S appointment with my OB. Everything is looking right on track. We saw the baby move! It was the most wonderful feeling. I know now why every woman is ready to walk to the end of the world and back, just to be able to carry her own child in her womb. I  know now why we go through months of painful injections, just to be able to see that little heartbeat, the little limb buds waving at you.

During the U/S, I kept referring to the baby as "he", for no particular reason. My husband wanted to know why I was doing that, and I had no good explanation, except it was just a general reference and seemed easier than saying "the baby". But now I am wondering if I offended the little one in any way. So I have been trying to reassure him/her that all we care is for him/her to stick around and grow well.

There is another point I wanted to discuss. We were asked if we wanted to do the genetic testing/Nuchal testing. We discussed it briefly and decided against doing it. Mainly because this baby is much wanted, and I know that whatever the results of the tests, we are not going to change our minds about anything. My husband said "we will take what is given to us" and I agree wholeheartedly. I know some people like to do it, because it can be so reassuring. And I completely respect that decision. Also, my cousin was telling me about how with her second child, the test came back positive for Downs. They then had to do an amniocentesis, which came back negative. She said it was still a very harrowing time. I don't think I can go through something like that. What do you all think? Would you do it? Like I said before, I completely respect each person's decision, I was just interested to know why you would or wouldn't do it.

Last, but not the least, I'm sending loads of love and good wishes to those of you who are at various stages of their cycle, especially those waiting to start an IVF cycle, or waiting for their beta results (you all know who you are). I am keeping my everything crossed that good news will be yours soon.

So far, so good

We had our first U/S appointment today morning. We were both so nervous, neither of us slept properly. I think hubby was a little more nervous than me, for a change. It was so nice to have him with me at the time of the U/S. He looked shocked to see the size of the "wand" and thought I was weird when I promptly undressed waist down and sat on the table like a seasoned professional.

I had to sit there half naked for atleast 20 minutes (ok maybe I exaggerate a bit) waiting for the doc and my pulse was probably around 150. The doc did the U/S and said that everything looks good. The CRL was 7.0 mm, putting me at 6 w 5 d. They don't take heart rate, but we could see the little heart pulsing, and the doc said that from what he could make out, everything looked ok.

It was such a huge relief to see that there was actually a tiny little growing thing in there. So far, we had both been so unsure that this was for real. But seeing the little one for real made such a huge difference.

On our way back to work, we called both sets of parents back in India, and our siblings. We hadn't told them anything so far, so it felt surreal to be telling this piece of news that we had waited for so long to tell.

For the first time since the positive test, I let myself get excited and happy today. I know, we still have a long long way to go, I hope things will be ok.

I am so so thankful.

Community support

I wanted to share a blog post by a fellow blogger who has linked to a Today show segment about the importance of a support group while going through IF.  I was very touched by her own experiences with the NYC Resolve Peer Lead Support Group.

I myself have never been part of a similar group. However, I have received so much support from all of you out in the blog world, that I can only imagine how wonderful it must be, to actually be able to hold hands, share ones feelings, and be understood without being judged.

I hope we each find our own form of support during what will probably be one of the stormiest times of each of our lives.





 

Still here

If you remember, I had some spotting (started as pink, then became brownish and finally tapered off) exactly a week ago. After the first beta, I had started feeling a little better, that maybe this was all going to end well. Then yesterday evening, I had another scare. I saw bright red blood, and a clot on the tp. I didn't have any cramps, though.

Needless to say, I freaked out. I cried all evening, not knowing what to do. I had a scheduled beta today, so we decided we'd just have to wait and see. Since there's probably not much to see on the u/s it didn't make sense to go to the ER. After all what would they be able to tell me?

Anyway, I went in for my second beta today, which is 4314. Its been about 5 days since my last beta, so I imagined it should be around 5000. But according to my babymed.com, "Between 1,200 and 6,000 mIU/ml serum, the hCG usually takes about 72-96 hours to double and above 6,000 mIU/ml, the hCG often takes over four or more days to double." So we are okay, right? I don't know, I am not reassured enough. Once again, the bleeding has tapered off to brownish stuff. I continue not to have any symptoms, which I probably should be glad of. But a harmless symptom just for reassurance would be nice. Also, my progesterone dropped from 24 to 22. Is that normal?

Our first U/S will be next wednesday, March 9th (assuming things will last that long).

My hubby knows what I am going through, even though I don't talk about it much. He said I talk a lot in my sleep now, and keep tossing and turning. He says I have stopped smiling, and have a constant frown on my forehead. I try not to voice my fears too much, but he knows me too well for me to able to hide anything.

I feel like I am standing on a precipice. The only thing that is holding me from falling, is my hubby's reassuring hand. He keeps reminding me that this is only the beginning, that trials and tribulations will continue to cross our path, and that we cannot act like this is the end of the world at the sign of the smallest trouble. Its true, I know I should learn to be calmer. But I just cant get myself to.

Sorry about the jumbled up post. Any words of reassurance that some bleeding is ok will be much appreciated. Thank you all for the messages on my last post. I really appreciate it.

Beta

I decided to take the advice of all you wonderful ladies who commented on my previous post, and went in for a beta today morning.

The levels are 852 (17 dpo). Progesterone levels are 24. The nurse said it was upto me to come back for a second beta. I've decided to go again on Monday. My heart rate is perpetually high worrying. I think I have never been so anxious or nervous in my life. Is that normal?

Thankfully, the spotting has stopped for now.

I wished away the last 1.5 yrs waiting for AF, waiting to Ov etc. Now I seem to be wishing my life away again, counting down to the next beta, and hopefully an U/S. Wow, this is nerve wrecking.

I am so so thankful for this blessing. I've said this before, but I want to reemphasize, I thank you all so much for your support and kind words. I don't know how I would have made it this far without you all.

To all you ladies, I ask - will one ever stop worrying?

This is not how I imagined it

So, turns out I may be pregnant (am I really saying that? someone pinch me).

BUT

I am spotting...so I dunno.

AF was due on Sunday, and I had begun cramping a few days earlier, a very normal sign for me that AF was on her way.Come Sunday evening, AF hadn't shown up. The only other thing was that from Sunday(14 dpo), my nips have been sore (only to the touch). Now I have had sore nips before in some cycles, but earlier than this - and it usually went away close to AF. So this was something new - but you know how we nitty pick everything.

I couldn't sleep all Sunday night. I tossed and turned and worried. Monday I had a day off (and hubby didn't). So once he left for work, I took one of the cheap tests I had (I don't normally test - these were tests I won as a prize in a 999reasonstolaugh contest!) and peed on it. Pretty soon, the second line appeared. I stared at it in disbelief. I then walked around the house in shock, coming back every 10 minutes to make sure the line was still there.

I felt dazed. I wanted to be happy, but I was more scared than anything else. It felt like a dream, a dream that I would be rudely woken up from. I decided to wait till evening to tell hubby. But by noon, I saw some spotting. Come evening, I showed N the test stick. His first question was "what does that mean". So I said "well it could mean I am pregnant". Then I asked if I could do another test - one of the regular drug store ones. He said no, let's not. Let's wait. I hadn't told him about the spotting, but he knew more than me that this could turn out good or bad.

And I agreed, because I didn't want to test again either. I could have called in for a beta, but we have decided we'll wait for a few more days and see how it turns out.

The spotting around noon yesterday was pink, by evening it looked brownish. I have strong cramping on and off, like I have my period. Sometimes I have to stop to catch my breath when a cramp comes. I didn't sleep very well last night either. I had a hard time falling asleep, and I kept waking up. Mind you, I am a deep sleeper - I fall asleep fast and stay asleep. But my nerves are getting the better of me.

I feel anxious, scared, petrified....my heart rate keeps going up every time I think about the spotting. I used to think the TWW was bad, but this is far far worse.

Every minute seems to drag...every visit to the loo is a nightmare. I am scared about what I'll find on the toilet paper. People say ignorance is bliss, and its so true. I have read so many stories of loss and m/c...that I am scared to be happy.

I know this can all be taken away from us in a second. I am thankful for this blessing, but we are not ready to celebrate just yet. I'll try and take each minute, each hour, each day as it happens.

I thank you all for all your support and lovely comments. I know I sound extremely negative in this post. But I am scared that being positive will jinx the situation.

This is not how I imagined it - I imagined that we'd look at that positive test and dance around the house with happiness. But all we did is look at each other knowingly, and nod our head in agreement that we need to wait and see if this is for real.

I can only pray that everything turns out well.

To tell or not to tell?

Welcome ICLWers! Thanks a lot for stopping by. I have been pondering over a question for a while now, and would love any input from you.

One of the big questions on my mind has been if we should be more open about our IF. I have a couple of close friends who know we have been trying to conceive for long without success. Then there are other friends who know we would like a baby, but they do not know how long we have been trying etc. My parents and sister also know its not been easy for us, and are aware that we have been through testing.

I am actually torn about how I should deal with questions of "do you plan to have a baby" or "when will you give us good news". One the one hand, I think I should be more open about our struggles, so people realize that it is not always easy for everyone to have a baby. Also, I'd have to hear less comments like "your eggs are aging, you should have a baby soon" or "you'll be so old by the time your son/daughter graduates from highschool!".

On the other hand, I haven't had the best response from people to who I do talk to about our problems. One of these days, I'll formulate a post about some of the things people say! But I am sure you all have a very good  idea. Responses include "you should try and relax", "it will happen when it has to", "it will happen when you least expect it", "have you considered traveling to so and so country to try alternative treatments?" or "I know exactly what you must be going through, we tried for two cycles before we conceived, I remember how devastated I was that first month". I know people have the best intentions, but why does it always sound so patronizing?

So the few times I began telling close friends and family, I have just been disappointed by their responses. I guess I should not expect too much, but I think it does more harm than good when their well intentioned comments just end up hurting me. They probably don't realize that we infertiles are just waiting for someone to say something, so we can jump on it and tear it apart and end up feeling bad.

The other reason I am reluctant to talk about this, is because of the added pressure of how treatment cycles turn out. The more people you have to tell about a failed cycle, the more devastating it is. Then there is my husband's point of view. He said it is best we not talk about "outside help" we need to conceive, because then it will become a legacy. People for years yonder will talk about how K and N took the doctor's help to get pregnant. I come from a conservative south asian community where even talking about sex is taboo. I have heard relatives talk about "so and so" who had to take ferility medications etc to have a child. They talk about it for years after wards, and their comments are full of pity for that unfortunate couple who had so much trouble performing an act as basic as creating a child.

I guess from my post its kind of obvious that I lean in the direction of "not to tell". I do sometimes feel guilty about this, because my talking about IF would be a small step to educating ignorant people around me, and creating more awareness that infertility is not a choice, its a disease. However, to be frank, I don't feel brave. Some day if we do conceive, I hope to talk about how difficult it was to get there. But not before that.

So would you talk about your IF? What kind of responses have you received? How did you do it, and if you were to go back in time, would you change anything about having told or not told? I'd love to hear what you all think. Maybe it will help change my perspective about things.

Please?

Can I please crawl under the covers and die?

People, can you please stop sending me "I am pregnant" and "Check out my new born's pic" mails?

God, could you please look in my direction and say "you are next"?

World, can I please become a mother soon?

Another year older

Happy Birthday...to me! I complete 29 tomorrow. Accoring to my life plans, I was supposed to be holding a baby in my arms by now. I guess life had other plans.

I am an year older, and maybe a little bit wiser? I now know that I have much less control over my life than I believed I had. I know who my true friends are, and who will support me through highs and lows.I also know that I am the luckiest person in the world to have married my best friend who is a pillar of love and support.

I realize that one's metabolism does indeed slow down with age. What I eat has started accumulating on my abdomen (not that it has stopped me from eating the good stuff).

I am dreading calls from my friends as much as I am looking forward to them. Especially calls from friends overseas with whom I don't get to talk as often. I dread the "baby" question or anything related, but I look forward to catching up.

I am in no mood to celebrate. I thank God for the past year which even though was filled with sadness, was also blessed in many ways. Last birthday, I was excited because 28 was going to be the year I became a mother. This year, I am still hopeful, but also realistic. Who knows what lies ahead?

Movie time

I just watched "Maybe Baby" and really enjoyed it. Do watch it if you haven't already done so.

Here's the youtube link: