Thursday, September 23, 2010


Problems trying to conceive always comes with its own set of frustrations, disappointments, anger, loneliness, sorrow and a general feeling of doom. But the one part I find hardest to deal with is pressure. Pressure from family, friends, loved ones and acquaintances. Every other person wants to know why we don't have kids yet, if we are trying for a baby, if we are having trouble trying to conceive, when they will get to hear "good news" etc. I am okay dealing with my own set of pain and anger, but I really would be so much better off without people trying to pry in to our private lives.

We have been married for more than 6 years, 4.5 yrs of which I was in school. Now that I don't have school as an excuse, everyone, including our department secretaries want to know if we plan to have a baby. I usually smile it off, brush it way with some stupid comment, or just say "hmm ahh yeaa". I have said things like "yes I know, time is ticking and my eggs are getting older" to "I'm going watch everyone raise their own kids, so I can learn from their mistakes and be a better parent". I am not willing to share our difficulties and challenges with every other person I meet. But the questions never stop and I am running out of excuses and answers. If I do mention that its taking longer than normal to a friend, then I get the usual advice "relax, it will happen when the time is right" or "you know, my friend's friend had triplets through IVF - maybe you should try IVF" (like it was so easy and all you need to do is wave a wand). I understand that people say this because they have nothing else to say, I just wish they would say nothing in the first place.

Today's post is thanks to my wonderful mother. I love her to bits and she is supportive of everything I do, but she wants to know exactly how much effort we are putting in to have a baby. We live in two different continents, so I am spared of questions most of the time. I know she is genuinely concerned for us and wants the best for us. But its really hard having to answer her questions. She wants to know exactly what tests we are going through, when my tests are scheduled and so on. Because I am so close to her, its hard for me to lie about things. I try to give her some general information, but that is not enough. Once again, I know she is worried about us and is just trying to help, but its just doing more harm than good.

I felt so unhappy after speaking to her today morning. I wish I could tell her "mom, do leave us alone. Just pray for us that we can share the good news with you soon. Mom I really don't want to tell you if my husbands sperms swim fast enough or of i release eggs on time". I just can't get myself to say all this because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I wish I could bury my head in the ground like an Ostrich so I don't have to deal with these additional pressures. How do you all deal with such well meaning but irritating interference?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Jumping the gun

When I first began TTC an year ago, anything baby-related enticed me. I loved peeping into strollers to look at cute sleeping babies. I smiled at women sporting bumps and imagined myself with a bump. I cross-examined friends who had new-borns about their experiences feeding and caring for their little ones. Things are different now. I tear up at the sight of adorable babies, make a U-turn when I spot a pregnant lady from afar, and completely avoid meeting or talking to friends with kids.

In those days when the future looked bright and promising, I bought two baby blankets at an arts and crafts fair. And these are not just any baby blankets. These are the softest, cuddliest, most beautiful hand crocheted blankets. I bought one blue and one pink. The idea then was that I would give them to my friends who were expecting babies. But I fell so much in love with them, that I couldn't get myself to give them to anyone. I knew they were just right for our baby(ies). And I was sure that it wouldn't be long before I got to use them.

Now they sit somewhere deep in my closet...waiting. I knew I shouldn't have jumped the gun and bought anything baby related. I have not made that mistake again since the blankets.

Tell me about the little things that you have picked up on your TTC journey. I hope you and I get to use these things soon....very soon.

Friday, September 10, 2010

In denial

As always, its that time of the month when I stare at the toilet paper, cringe at anything crimson colored, and feel sorry for myself.

My feelings cannot be better described than by this post by Naomi :

Of all the days of the month, this is by far the worst. It is the day of your expected AF*. I have a feeling of impending doom every time I need to visit the toilet. But it is also the day when I know there is one last chance that I could possibly still be pregnant. And I hold onto that hope and live in denial, till I know there is nothing I can do, but move on to the next cycle.

What are your "worst" days of the cycle?

* I am going to assume that everyone TTC for more than a year will know these abbreviations.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Who stole my fertility?

Someone stole my fertility. I am still looking for that someone or something. I guess I am just looking for a scapegoat whom I can blame. Meanwhile, I would love to blame:

Graduate school. I knew I was getting older, but I kept telling myself that I needed to start worrying about age only past 30. Now I know that my age is a factor. Maybe, if we had started trying for a baby when I was 22, it would have been easier? Maybe it wouldn't. Who knows, but its too late to tell.
Stability in work and life.  Our decision to wait till we both had stable jobs and steady incomes may have cost us an year. I was always worried that time was running out, but then I was confident in our procreational abilities.
Confidence. We believe we are young and invincible, and nothing can ever go wrong. Apparently it can!

How many of you have waited to start a family and realized you have lost time? How many of you feel guilty and wish you had thought about this sooner? I'd love to know.