Welcome ICLWers! Thanks a lot for stopping by. I have been pondering over a question for a while now, and would love any input from you.
One of the big questions on my mind has been if we should be more open about our IF. I have a couple of close friends who know we have been trying to conceive for long without success. Then there are other friends who know we would like a baby, but they do not know how long we have been trying etc. My parents and sister also know its not been easy for us, and are aware that we have been through testing.
I am actually torn about how I should deal with questions of "do you plan to have a baby" or "when will you give us good news". One the one hand, I think I should be more open about our struggles, so people realize that it is not always easy for everyone to have a baby. Also, I'd have to hear less comments like "your eggs are aging, you should have a baby soon" or "you'll be so old by the time your son/daughter graduates from highschool!".
On the other hand, I haven't had the best response from people to who I do talk to about our problems. One of these days, I'll formulate a post about some of the things people say! But I am sure you all have a very good idea. Responses include "you should try and relax", "it will happen when it has to", "it will happen when you least expect it", "have you considered traveling to so and so country to try alternative treatments?" or "I know exactly what you must be going through, we tried for two cycles before we conceived, I remember how devastated I was that first month". I know people have the best intentions, but why does it always sound so patronizing?
So the few times I began telling close friends and family, I have just been disappointed by their responses. I guess I should not expect too much, but I think it does more harm than good when their well intentioned comments just end up hurting me. They probably don't realize that we infertiles are just waiting for someone to say something, so we can jump on it and tear it apart and end up feeling bad.
The other reason I am reluctant to talk about this, is because of the added pressure of how treatment cycles turn out. The more people you have to tell about a failed cycle, the more devastating it is. Then there is my husband's point of view. He said it is best we not talk about "outside help" we need to conceive, because then it will become a legacy. People for years yonder will talk about how K and N took the doctor's help to get pregnant. I come from a conservative south asian community where even talking about sex is taboo. I have heard relatives talk about "so and so" who had to take ferility medications etc to have a child. They talk about it for years after wards, and their comments are full of pity for that unfortunate couple who had so much trouble performing an act as basic as creating a child.
I guess from my post its kind of obvious that I lean in the direction of "not to tell". I do sometimes feel guilty about this, because my talking about IF would be a small step to educating ignorant people around me, and creating more awareness that infertility is not a choice, its a disease. However, to be frank, I don't feel brave. Some day if we do conceive, I hope to talk about how difficult it was to get there. But not before that.
So would you talk about your IF? What kind of responses have you received? How did you do it, and if you were to go back in time, would you change anything about having told or not told? I'd love to hear what you all think. Maybe it will help change my perspective about things.