This is not how I imagined it

So, turns out I may be pregnant (am I really saying that? someone pinch me).

BUT

I am spotting...so I dunno.

AF was due on Sunday, and I had begun cramping a few days earlier, a very normal sign for me that AF was on her way.Come Sunday evening, AF hadn't shown up. The only other thing was that from Sunday(14 dpo), my nips have been sore (only to the touch). Now I have had sore nips before in some cycles, but earlier than this - and it usually went away close to AF. So this was something new - but you know how we nitty pick everything.

I couldn't sleep all Sunday night. I tossed and turned and worried. Monday I had a day off (and hubby didn't). So once he left for work, I took one of the cheap tests I had (I don't normally test - these were tests I won as a prize in a 999reasonstolaugh contest!) and peed on it. Pretty soon, the second line appeared. I stared at it in disbelief. I then walked around the house in shock, coming back every 10 minutes to make sure the line was still there.

I felt dazed. I wanted to be happy, but I was more scared than anything else. It felt like a dream, a dream that I would be rudely woken up from. I decided to wait till evening to tell hubby. But by noon, I saw some spotting. Come evening, I showed N the test stick. His first question was "what does that mean". So I said "well it could mean I am pregnant". Then I asked if I could do another test - one of the regular drug store ones. He said no, let's not. Let's wait. I hadn't told him about the spotting, but he knew more than me that this could turn out good or bad.

And I agreed, because I didn't want to test again either. I could have called in for a beta, but we have decided we'll wait for a few more days and see how it turns out.

The spotting around noon yesterday was pink, by evening it looked brownish. I have strong cramping on and off, like I have my period. Sometimes I have to stop to catch my breath when a cramp comes. I didn't sleep very well last night either. I had a hard time falling asleep, and I kept waking up. Mind you, I am a deep sleeper - I fall asleep fast and stay asleep. But my nerves are getting the better of me.

I feel anxious, scared, petrified....my heart rate keeps going up every time I think about the spotting. I used to think the TWW was bad, but this is far far worse.

Every minute seems to drag...every visit to the loo is a nightmare. I am scared about what I'll find on the toilet paper. People say ignorance is bliss, and its so true. I have read so many stories of loss and m/c...that I am scared to be happy.

I know this can all be taken away from us in a second. I am thankful for this blessing, but we are not ready to celebrate just yet. I'll try and take each minute, each hour, each day as it happens.

I thank you all for all your support and lovely comments. I know I sound extremely negative in this post. But I am scared that being positive will jinx the situation.

This is not how I imagined it - I imagined that we'd look at that positive test and dance around the house with happiness. But all we did is look at each other knowingly, and nod our head in agreement that we need to wait and see if this is for real.

I can only pray that everything turns out well.