Saturday, January 26, 2013

What happened to us?

Hubby and I have known each other for 27 plus years. We are old family friends. Our families kept in touch and we used to meet once in a few years (we lived in different cities). We became good friends again when the internet and email and chat became our helpers and messengers. Friendship turned into love...and the rest, as they say is history!

All marriages have their ups and downs. I always felt like the first year of our marriage was the hardest. Understanding each other, getting used to living with each other, adjusting with each others families. By year 2, we had settled in. There was a period of almost 2 years when we lived in different cities when hubby found a job and I was still in school. That was really really tough. We missed each other so much.

After I graduated, I moved in again and all was well. Till we had trouble conceiving. I was miserable through that year and a half. I was sad, angry, jealous and probably acted like a crazed woman. But hubby was my rock all through. He held me when I cried after another cycle went bust. He told me that we would be fine, just the two of us. He supported me through my decision to seek help.

Once we conceived baby girl, I began to act sane again. Then the storm hit. Our little one was born so so sick, we didn't know what had hit us. Days of crying, praying, hoping, being scared, trying to prepare for the worst. All I remember about those days is praying like I have never prayed before, all the while holding hubby's hands. But I knew something had changed between us. It was hard to explain. Hubby felt miserable that he hadn't been able to protect his little girl. He felt angry that he was unable to take care of me while I was recovering from delivery. For the first time, he felt helpless.

I am convinced he had some sort of post traumatic stress issues. It was hard on both of us, but as our little one began to get better, I had hope. I knew I had a big responsibility of taking care of her and nurturing her back to health. But hubby was so so paranoid all the time. He kept expecting everything to get worse again. I had to hold the fort, so to speak.

Even today, when baby girl gives the slightest cough, or sneezes, hubby looks at questioningly, almost like he's asking "is that pneumonia, should we get her to the hospital"? It makes me angry that he is not able to enjoy the good moments because he is so scared to be happy, lest everything good disappears again.I have told him outright that I think he is depressed to some degree. He agrees, but says he cannot change how he feels.

Ever since baby girl came home, our relationship feels strained. I know kids can change your relationship. But I thought our relationship was built to weather any storm.

These days I feel like everything I do is perceived as wrong. Hubby has always been so calm. But now, I can't say anything without us ending up with an argument. Just today, this is the third time I have walked out of a conversation angry and in tears.

I hope "this too shall pass". Maybe I need to get back to work. Maybe being at home gives me too much time to over think everything. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I need reassurance that I am still loved.

Right now, I am sad. If we didn't have to go through all that we did with our little one, maybe we would still have been that loving couple with a healthy happy child. Some days I look at hubby and think I don't even recognize him. Where is that man that I loved? I hope with time things will get better. Maybe I'll learn to love this changed man again. Maybe he will see me more again as his wife, and not just his daughter's mother.

I had to write this. Its been on my mind for so long. Right now, my head hurts and my heart is heavy. What happened to us? Why did we have to change?

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

No more TV

No more television/cable in our home. We didn't take the decision. Our dear daughter did.

Baby girl is now climbing everything. I mean everything that she possibly can. She doesn't care about how stable the item is. She can't really get off anything, so we are always right there acting like a safety net. Things ranging from an overturned ottoman to a very unstable fisher price musical table. Sometimes she climbs into her toy box and sits there playing with things. So far we have had one major fall, where I couldn't catch her fast enough, and she got a big goose egg on the back of her head. It is so scary watching her. But its also funny, because she knows she shouldn't be doing it. So she climbs, stands atop and then points a finger and babbles a long lecture (almost like she is justifying why she climbed it).

The last few days she has been obsessed with our TV stand. It is a very unstable piece of furniture. We have a small 27 inch LCD TV sitting on it. I must have removed her from the stand a hundred times combined with a lot of "no"s and instructions not to climb. Yesterday she climbed the stand AGAIN. This time she lost her balance and caught the TV as she started to fall. Of course I was right there and caught her before she fell. But I couldn't save the TV. It fell on its face. Later when I turned it on, I realized the LCD screen inside had cracked. From the outside it looks only mildly scratched. But its done for and is currently in the trash.

I am of course glad baby girl didn't get hurt. I read later online that lots of toddlers get badly hurt (or worse) due to falling furniture, half of which are because of falling TVs.

I am feeling so guilty about the whole thing. I should have prevented her from climbing up there. I should have caught the TV on time. Plus its such an unnecessary new expense, especially now that we are a single income family.

For the time being we have decided to go with no TV and cable for a while. We removed the stand (and the glass top coffee tables) from our living room. Atleast till she is a little older.

So for those of you with climbers, please anchor the TV and any other furniture that could possibly fall. However careful you are, it could happen to you.