Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Bad Santa

Hey everyone, hope you all had a lovely lovely X’mas. Mine was not so lovely because all I got from Santa was AF. Santa has a bad sense of humor. I tried convincing him about how good I’ve been all year, but he thinks I’m not quite there yet. This holiday season hasn’t been fun. Last Christmas, we were just a few months into trying, so I was sure that by next X’mas, I’d either be pregnant, or celebrating with a new baby! Ha, what was thinkng? This year, I have no such dreams.

Infertility is such a lonely lonely journey. Having a supportive husband is absolutely wonderful and makes it easier to fight the battle. But I have shut myself off from the rest of the world. I usually call or email friends to wish them New year. I haven’t had the heart to do so this year - I don’t want to hear about their babies’ latest achievements, I don’t want to hear about their pregnancy symptoms, and I don’t want to answer questions about our baby making. Sadly, I haven’t even spoken to my grandparents in India. Both of them are not in the best of healths, so I feel guilty for not calling to enquire. But they do ask the dreaded baby question, and I don’t have an answer. I feel like I’m letting them down. I feel like I’m letting my family down for not being able to give my grandparents their first great grandchild, my parents and in laws their first grandchild, and my sister and brother in law their first nephew/niece.

One of my friends had her second baby in Dec, and I haven’t paid them a visit, or even called! I just a sent a congratulatory text (thank god for email and texts). Last month, N was on the phone with his friend, who told him his wife was pregnant with their second baby.  I could hear only one side of the conversation, and I could hear N saying “wow that’s wonderful blah blah”. And I knew, I knew what that meant. I burst into tears...just endless flow of tears. I started sobbing so loudly that N had to leave the room lest the friend heard me. I feel horrible for feeling so jealous - but I am jealous! Can I please have my first baby, before others go on to have their third and fourth babies? Any way, the point is, I need to meet these friends as well, but I have been avoiding it. So basically, we are doing a pretty good job of shutting the world out.

Before I sign off (and to anyone who survived this long and pointless post), wishing you a Happy happy new year! May we all meet our beautiful babies that we have prayed for so long, in 2011.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Am still around

If any of you have been wondering if the Gulf of Mexico swallowed me whole during my trip to Florida, no it hasn’t. And my silence does not mean I am pregnant, and therefore am waiting for the right moment to announce my pregnancy, either. Our trip was wonderful, and the other two girls who were with us got AF during the trip, so I was blissfully happy knowing that I am not the only non-pregnant person in this world.

I am constantly formulating blog posts in my mind, especially when I am feeling down, and need to tell the blog world that the fertile world JUST DOESN’T GET IT. But I never actually do get around to typing out my posts. I have realized though, that creating a blog post in my mind is a form of therapy for me. Its helps me to reflect and realize that life isn’t that bad after all. One of the reasons I refrain from posting “I am so sad” posts, is because I know there are so many people out there who go through so much more. I live a blessed life - I have a loving family (sans a child, of course), food to eat, a roof over my head, and a healthy body. But all these thoughts are usually shadowed by a constant feeling of general unhappiness that all of you are sure to understand. I do feel guilty and self centered, feeling sorry for myself. But I am entitled to feeling that way, right?

Moving on, my first FS appointment was on Nov 29. We waited 2 hours before I finally got to see him. I feel like I didn’t get much out of the appointment. I realize, though, that this is how it probably works. The doctor turned a large computer screen towards us, and began listing out all the possible treatment options. He had a neat little table with statistics for IUI, IVF etc etc. Basically, he just summarized everything that I already knew, and asked us to decide. I understand that IF is such an abstract problem that you can’t really treat it with specifics. In my mind, I kept wondering why I was paying him 300 $ to hear what I can easily get off his clinic’s website. I do know we have to start somewhere, so this is probably a start. The one thing positive that came from the visit was that  it sort of turned a switch on in my husband. The doctor said something about BD on days 11, 13, 15 etc. And this cycle he insisted we try on those days! I am 99 % sure I ovulated day 12 this cycle, but he insists we continue because after all the doctor said “days 13, 15... and day 12 is just too early”. I think its kinda cute when he takes the proactive role.

I got my blood work done, and my FSH is 9.3 (which the nurse said was higher than normal, but ok). From what I read, I think the slightly higher levels are more important for ovarian response in an IVF cycle. Also, my prolactin levels are high. The normal upper limit is around 24, mine is around 35. I need to go in tomorrow and give a fasting blood sample so recheck the levels. Any ideas what this could mean?

The doctor doesn’t think much of clomid cycles for unexplained, but I feel like I don’t want to go through IUI just yet. After all, almost everyone tries a few rounds of clomid right? Now, the doctor doesn’t want me to do an unmonitored cycle. What do you all think? I don’t like the idea of going in to the clinic multiple times for U/S (and paying 20 $ copay every time!!) just yet. I am sure we’ll have to do it eventually, but not yet. So, I was thinking, 3 rounds of clomid with intercourse. And then, maybe after that we can consider IUI with trigger.

What would you do if you were in my situation? Clomid with or without monitoring? Other than the copay, I think my insurance covers the U/S (thank you the state of Illinois). I would love any advice you have.

I had plans to write a scientific piece about something, but this post is already too long. Maybe next time !