Monday, February 28, 2011

Still here

If you remember, I had some spotting (started as pink, then became brownish and finally tapered off) exactly a week ago. After the first beta, I had started feeling a little better, that maybe this was all going to end well. Then yesterday evening, I had another scare. I saw bright red blood, and a clot on the tp. I didn't have any cramps, though.

Needless to say, I freaked out. I cried all evening, not knowing what to do. I had a scheduled beta today, so we decided we'd just have to wait and see. Since there's probably not much to see on the u/s it didn't make sense to go to the ER. After all what would they be able to tell me?

Anyway, I went in for my second beta today, which is 4314. Its been about 5 days since my last beta, so I imagined it should be around 5000. But according to my, "Between 1,200 and 6,000 mIU/ml serum, the hCG usually takes about 72-96 hours to double and above 6,000 mIU/ml, the hCG often takes over four or more days to double." So we are okay, right? I don't know, I am not reassured enough. Once again, the bleeding has tapered off to brownish stuff. I continue not to have any symptoms, which I probably should be glad of. But a harmless symptom just for reassurance would be nice. Also, my progesterone dropped from 24 to 22. Is that normal?

Our first U/S will be next wednesday, March 9th (assuming things will last that long).

My hubby knows what I am going through, even though I don't talk about it much. He said I talk a lot in my sleep now, and keep tossing and turning. He says I have stopped smiling, and have a constant frown on my forehead. I try not to voice my fears too much, but he knows me too well for me to able to hide anything.

I feel like I am standing on a precipice. The only thing that is holding me from falling, is my hubby's reassuring hand. He keeps reminding me that this is only the beginning, that trials and tribulations will continue to cross our path, and that we cannot act like this is the end of the world at the sign of the smallest trouble. Its true, I know I should learn to be calmer. But I just cant get myself to.

Sorry about the jumbled up post. Any words of reassurance that some bleeding is ok will be much appreciated. Thank you all for the messages on my last post. I really appreciate it.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I decided to take the advice of all you wonderful ladies who commented on my previous post, and went in for a beta today morning.

The levels are 852 (17 dpo). Progesterone levels are 24. The nurse said it was upto me to come back for a second beta. I've decided to go again on Monday. My heart rate is perpetually high worrying. I think I have never been so anxious or nervous in my life. Is that normal?

Thankfully, the spotting has stopped for now.

I wished away the last 1.5 yrs waiting for AF, waiting to Ov etc. Now I seem to be wishing my life away again, counting down to the next beta, and hopefully an U/S. Wow, this is nerve wrecking.

I am so so thankful for this blessing. I've said this before, but I want to reemphasize, I thank you all so much for your support and kind words. I don't know how I would have made it this far without you all.

To all you ladies, I ask - will one ever stop worrying?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

This is not how I imagined it

So, turns out I may be pregnant (am I really saying that? someone pinch me).


I am I dunno.

AF was due on Sunday, and I had begun cramping a few days earlier, a very normal sign for me that AF was on her way.Come Sunday evening, AF hadn't shown up. The only other thing was that from Sunday(14 dpo), my nips have been sore (only to the touch). Now I have had sore nips before in some cycles, but earlier than this - and it usually went away close to AF. So this was something new - but you know how we nitty pick everything.

I couldn't sleep all Sunday night. I tossed and turned and worried. Monday I had a day off (and hubby didn't). So once he left for work, I took one of the cheap tests I had (I don't normally test - these were tests I won as a prize in a 999reasonstolaugh contest!) and peed on it. Pretty soon, the second line appeared. I stared at it in disbelief. I then walked around the house in shock, coming back every 10 minutes to make sure the line was still there.

I felt dazed. I wanted to be happy, but I was more scared than anything else. It felt like a dream, a dream that I would be rudely woken up from. I decided to wait till evening to tell hubby. But by noon, I saw some spotting. Come evening, I showed N the test stick. His first question was "what does that mean". So I said "well it could mean I am pregnant". Then I asked if I could do another test - one of the regular drug store ones. He said no, let's not. Let's wait. I hadn't told him about the spotting, but he knew more than me that this could turn out good or bad.

And I agreed, because I didn't want to test again either. I could have called in for a beta, but we have decided we'll wait for a few more days and see how it turns out.

The spotting around noon yesterday was pink, by evening it looked brownish. I have strong cramping on and off, like I have my period. Sometimes I have to stop to catch my breath when a cramp comes. I didn't sleep very well last night either. I had a hard time falling asleep, and I kept waking up. Mind you, I am a deep sleeper - I fall asleep fast and stay asleep. But my nerves are getting the better of me.

I feel anxious, scared, heart rate keeps going up every time I think about the spotting. I used to think the TWW was bad, but this is far far worse.

Every minute seems to drag...every visit to the loo is a nightmare. I am scared about what I'll find on the toilet paper. People say ignorance is bliss, and its so true. I have read so many stories of loss and m/c...that I am scared to be happy.

I know this can all be taken away from us in a second. I am thankful for this blessing, but we are not ready to celebrate just yet. I'll try and take each minute, each hour, each day as it happens.

I thank you all for all your support and lovely comments. I know I sound extremely negative in this post. But I am scared that being positive will jinx the situation.

This is not how I imagined it - I imagined that we'd look at that positive test and dance around the house with happiness. But all we did is look at each other knowingly, and nod our head in agreement that we need to wait and see if this is for real.

I can only pray that everything turns out well.

Monday, February 21, 2011

To tell or not to tell?

Welcome ICLWers! Thanks a lot for stopping by. I have been pondering over a question for a while now, and would love any input from you.

One of the big questions on my mind has been if we should be more open about our IF. I have a couple of close friends who know we have been trying to conceive for long without success. Then there are other friends who know we would like a baby, but they do not know how long we have been trying etc. My parents and sister also know its not been easy for us, and are aware that we have been through testing.

I am actually torn about how I should deal with questions of "do you plan to have a baby" or "when will you give us good news". One the one hand, I think I should be more open about our struggles, so people realize that it is not always easy for everyone to have a baby. Also, I'd have to hear less comments like "your eggs are aging, you should have a baby soon" or "you'll be so old by the time your son/daughter graduates from highschool!".

On the other hand, I haven't had the best response from people to who I do talk to about our problems. One of these days, I'll formulate a post about some of the things people say! But I am sure you all have a very good  idea. Responses include "you should try and relax", "it will happen when it has to", "it will happen when you least expect it", "have you considered traveling to so and so country to try alternative treatments?" or "I know exactly what you must be going through, we tried for two cycles before we conceived, I remember how devastated I was that first month". I know people have the best intentions, but why does it always sound so patronizing?

So the few times I began telling close friends and family, I have just been disappointed by their responses. I guess I should not expect too much, but I think it does more harm than good when their well intentioned comments just end up hurting me. They probably don't realize that we infertiles are just waiting for someone to say something, so we can jump on it and tear it apart and end up feeling bad.

The other reason I am reluctant to talk about this, is because of the added pressure of how treatment cycles turn out. The more people you have to tell about a failed cycle, the more devastating it is. Then there is my husband's point of view. He said it is best we not talk about "outside help" we need to conceive, because then it will become a legacy. People for years yonder will talk about how K and N took the doctor's help to get pregnant. I come from a conservative south asian community where even talking about sex is taboo. I have heard relatives talk about "so and so" who had to take ferility medications etc to have a child. They talk about it for years after wards, and their comments are full of pity for that unfortunate couple who had so much trouble performing an act as basic as creating a child.

I guess from my post its kind of obvious that I lean in the direction of "not to tell". I do sometimes feel guilty about this, because my talking about IF would be a small step to educating ignorant people around me, and creating more awareness that infertility is not a choice, its a disease. However, to be frank, I don't feel brave. Some day if we do conceive, I hope to talk about how difficult it was to get there. But not before that.

So would you talk about your IF? What kind of responses have you received? How did you do it, and if you were to go back in time, would you change anything about having told or not told? I'd love to hear what you all think. Maybe it will help change my perspective about things.

Friday, February 11, 2011


Can I please crawl under the covers and die?

People, can you please stop sending me "I am pregnant" and "Check out my new born's pic" mails?

God, could you please look in my direction and say "you are next"?

World, can I please become a mother soon?