I still have trouble hearing pregnancy announcements. Last week, my friend informed me about her friend who was pregnant. Now I barely know this friend's friend, so I have no idea why I was being told about someone whom I haven't met in the last 3 years. All I could say was "hmmm". Just today an old classmate emailed me about a common friend who just found out she is pregnant. And I had this weird kind of reaction. My heart raced and my eyes teared up. It was the same kind of reaction I had, every time I received an email or a FB status update about someone getting knocked up. This time around, the reaction was milder, but still very much there!
I reminded myself that if all goes well, I'll have the baby before she does! Almost like it mattered that I had somehow "won" the race. I know I should probably be classified as evil for even thinking such thoughts. I have no idea if this friend struggled to conceive, or if she conceived right away. But I still had this strange feeling of jealousy creep in.
Its almost like I can't let go of this feeling of irritation at people who get it so easily. I know its time I let go, and instead, be thankful for our own situation. BUT, it just keeps coming back. Just the other day, I remember watching an Indian movie with my hubby. In the movie the girl finds out she's pregnant barely a month after they get married. Now Indian movies are dramatic. The universal scene to show that someone is pregnant is to show her puking or fainting, then the mother in law smiling and asking if she feels like eating a sour mango. Its cliche' times 100. As soon as this girl started puking in the movie, I got angry. I said "how dare she, how convenient, how do they get it so easily" etc etc. My hubby had to hold me back and remind me that it was just a movie, and anyway it shouldn't matter to me. But it does, and that's the irony of the situation. My feelings towards pregnancy announcements haven't changed. Maybe over time things will get better and I won't well up on hearing the words "good news"?
I will continue to wonder though, every time I hear news such as these - "was it easy for them, did they just have sex and get pregnant, or did they have to go through a million tests, drive to the doctor for early morning appointments, and have odd things inserted into them?"
Some day I hope to become a better person, but as of today, I am still jealous, evil and bitter. Sigh, I guess I am destined to hell ain't I?
Well, if you are destined for hell then you will have company! It is hard to not have those feelings when we have struggled so hard for something others get so easily and take for granted.
ReplyDeleteyours is the 2nd post like this that I've read this week. So obviously you're not alone. I often wondered if I'd hold onto those feelings too! Hope I'll get to find out soon!
ReplyDeleteI did hold onto those feelings. Even now with my DD being almost 9 months I still do. Maybe because we are going to go through it all again for a second child. Maybe it'll change after that. I don't know but you are not alone!
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how these feelings linger inside us. I saw a friend's FB posting yesterday of her 14 wk ultrasound (her official pregnancy announcement), and it still made me want to puke and hide her from my friends list. I wonder if these feelings will ever go away.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I had to laugh when you talked about the Indian movie cliches. It is so true, and the girl always gets pregnant right away too.
Hey Keya, I can totally understand how you feel. The way I try to get over such thoughts is to remind myself that life isn't about fairness, it's about experiences. There are people who are born with amazing athletic ability -- all sports are easy for them. People who are born with high IQs -- learning is a snap for them. People born with "luck" and charm -- life is a breeze for them. We each have our own uniqueness, and the challenges we face mould who we are. This fertility journey has helped create who you are. I don't mean to sound like I'm preaching -- God knows I have my extreme low moments too. But if we let the negative energy and jealousy creep in, then we haven't embraced who we are, and how we've triumphed over the challenges. You are a much more insightful and well-rounded woman than the young girl who gets knocked up at the blink of an eye and perhaps will never truly appreciate her child. You will bring an amazing perspective to the young life you are about to bring into the world. You will be a better mother for going through all you've endured. All the very, very best to you :)
ReplyDeleteHey Keya!
ReplyDeleteI saw you on BnB and I'm "cheerios" btw!!! Firstly, a HUGE congrats on your long-awaited BFP! I know how long you waited. I waited 1.5yrs too!!!! But I'm soooo happy for you! I see around BnB forums every now and then.
And yeah, I appreciate your honesty. I think LTTCers will always find it difficult to be "sincerely" happy for those who get their BFPs at the snap of their fingers. But one thing that helps me, the same way we can't help being fertility-challenged, others can't help being fertility-gifted? And I know many of my friends who had no problems conceiving were praying for us even before we got our BFPs. So yeah, this really helps me to be truly happy for them, once I get over the shock that it can be THAT easy for some people! :)
I feel the exact same way! And some pregnancies definitely hurt worse than others. Anytime someone takes for granted what we had to work so hard for makes it just as maddening as ever. I have to believe we will be more appreciative, loving parents as a result.
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