Problems trying to conceive always comes with its own set of frustrations, disappointments, anger, loneliness, sorrow and a general feeling of doom. But the one part I find hardest to deal with is pressure. Pressure from family, friends, loved ones and acquaintances. Every other person wants to know why we don't have kids yet, if we are trying for a baby, if we are having trouble trying to conceive, when they will get to hear "good news" etc. I am okay dealing with my own set of pain and anger, but I really would be so much better off without people trying to pry in to our private lives.
We have been married for more than 6 years, 4.5 yrs of which I was in school. Now that I don't have school as an excuse, everyone, including our department secretaries want to know if we plan to have a baby. I usually smile it off, brush it way with some stupid comment, or just say "hmm ahh yeaa". I have said things like "yes I know, time is ticking and my eggs are getting older" to "I'm going watch everyone raise their own kids, so I can learn from their mistakes and be a better parent". I am not willing to share our difficulties and challenges with every other person I meet. But the questions never stop and I am running out of excuses and answers. If I do mention that its taking longer than normal to a friend, then I get the usual advice "relax, it will happen when the time is right" or "you know, my friend's friend had triplets through IVF - maybe you should try IVF" (like it was so easy and all you need to do is wave a wand). I understand that people say this because they have nothing else to say, I just wish they would say nothing in the first place.
Today's post is thanks to my wonderful mother. I love her to bits and she is supportive of everything I do, but she wants to know exactly how much effort we are putting in to have a baby. We live in two different continents, so I am spared of questions most of the time. I know she is genuinely concerned for us and wants the best for us. But its really hard having to answer her questions. She wants to know exactly what tests we are going through, when my tests are scheduled and so on. Because I am so close to her, its hard for me to lie about things. I try to give her some general information, but that is not enough. Once again, I know she is worried about us and is just trying to help, but its just doing more harm than good.
I felt so unhappy after speaking to her today morning. I wish I could tell her "mom, do leave us alone. Just pray for us that we can share the good news with you soon. Mom I really don't want to tell you if my husbands sperms swim fast enough or of i release eggs on time". I just can't get myself to say all this because I don't want to hurt her feelings.
I wish I could bury my head in the ground like an Ostrich so I don't have to deal with these additional pressures. How do you all deal with such well meaning but irritating interference?
The world can be a cruel place when you are having problems ttc.
ReplyDeleteHonestly DH and I have taken a different approach, humor, we have made ourselves out to be people who are great with other peoples kids, but will screw up our own...lol.
Just the other day we were getting hassled and we started joking around about how it is okay to leave a baby home alone as long as you throw some kibble on the floor and a bowl of water.
For the most part this has gotten people off our backs, although we might be in trouble when we do have a kid...
Happy ICLW
#100
I hate that unexpected, out of the blue question about where are you going to have kids. It just sucks the air right out of your lungs and you want to scream and through a fit, but then you don't and you internally deal with it. Ugh Then comes the advice....
ReplyDeleteI do find it a lot harder to deal when its my close frinds or my mom asking - I always feel like i'm letting them down that I couldn't do this.
I'm sorry your feeling the pressure today. I hope tomorrow is a lighter day
I feel for you. I haven't worked up the courage to tell our family we are TTC, but I have told a few close friends. They are very supportive and try to ask the right questions, but they just don't get it. I find so much more support through all you ladies out here in blogland. I don't know how I could have gotten through the past year without all of this. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteICLW #74
You know I think that people need to learn that asking people questions about their fertility, or when they are having kids, is just NOT OK. I mean IF affects so many thousands of couples, chances are the person you are asking has IF issues. Its really an unneccessary question too. I mean really, its each persons business when or if they have children. It should be no one else's business!!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for the unwanted questions/advice. I hope you get your BFP soon!
ReplyDeleteICLW #43
I have been pretty open about our IF....with everyone but my mom. My situation is different in that I do not feel close to my mom, but I do think she would be like yours and want the details. It's been really tough - I have chosen to be very vague and then outright told her "it was private," which I think hurt her and has been a little awkward. Sorry I don't have a happy story!
ReplyDeleteSince it sounds like you do have a good relationship with your mom, do you think you could explain to her why it's hard to talk about it and set some boundaries? Obviously I'm a bad person to give advice about this, so I just hope you can come to a place of peace without pressure with your mom :)
All the best to you!
ICLW
makingmemom.blogspot.com
I have not been dealing with this very long, so I don't want to give advice, just share what I've done so far. I'm trying to be very careful about who I tell. For people who ask unexpectedly, I've planned a standard response of, "We'll let you know when we have any news in that area," or "We'll let you know when we have any news worth sharing." Luckily I haven't had to use it much. But I've also been avoiding social situations since my miscarriages. I don't know how it will work in the long run.
ReplyDeleteI like the humor idea someone else mentioned. I'm not sure if I could pull it off, but I bet my DH could . . .
Ugh...the one thing I hated most about my infertility journey was how much everyone thought they were allowed to know about my innards (and now they all want to know when we're going to adopt...). I'm so sorry you're feeling this awful pressure so acutely right now.
ReplyDeleteJust remember, no one is owed any information (not even your mother!). This is YOUR very personal and often painful journey and you don't owe anyone any explanations.
You could shut them up by asking a really, really, really personal question right back - like how much they make, or how big their husband's penis is. Yeah, that ought to shut them up fast...
((((HUGS))))
ICLW
I've had problems with my mom, too (which I've written about and she'd kill me if she knew!). My policy is that I just don't talk about infertility with family or most friends, though it's common knowledge that I want a baby and obvious to everyone that it isn't happening. My new policy as of next cycle is not to tell ANYBODY ANYTHING - except on my blog, of course. People have big mouths, even when sworn to secrecy. If anyone asks, they get "nothing to report right now". It's too much extra stress to have people knowing when appointments are, what steps you're planning next, etc. It's hard enough to just survive it all, I don't need to spend my energy explaining it to curious bystanders.
ReplyDeleteThe only way I was able to stop the 'meaningful advice' & questions was to be honest about what we were going through. I got to the point that I was losing my mind, trying not to be rude to people (friends & family) or make them feel uncomfortable. We were going thru hell. So, I just told them. And they backed off. When I got the 'meaningful advice/comments' from the one's who didn't know, I nicely/smoothly put them in their place.
ReplyDeleteThat's what worked for me. Hope you find your peace soon!
iclw
Inquiries from others can be so hard. Thankfully my family doesn't ask many (any?!) questions. We are rather quiet about our IF issues anyway, but getting an innocent question does bring me to tears every once in a while.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes to you.
ICLW
We have been very open, VERY open about our journey, so usually we get questions about how it is going rather than specifics...I have already provided them. And for those that ask me ignorant things, they get a nasty response, honestly. It's not easy, and assumptions about having children are so difficult to bear. Jokes help, and honsety. Sometimes you just have to say, listen, I don't want to talk about it right now. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteICLW #90
Sigh! I used to be of the dont tell anyone anything camp and my husband still is. lately I have been breaking down and telling people bits and pieces but if I do share, I want it to be on MY terms.
ReplyDeleteJust come up with a stock answer with your hubby for everyone else and have a gentle, but direct conversation with mom. The questions wont stop coming but at least you will feel less flustered about having to come up with a response in the moment.
I remember feeling this way many times and sometimes the ridiculous comments and questions came from the most unlikely places! I just gave you a blog love shout out! Happy ICLW!! (#61 & 62) Stress Free Infertility
ReplyDeleteIt's hard when you're having trouble and everyone is asking when you will have children. I also understand a mother who wants to help, but causes more pain then help.
ReplyDeleteICLW
Hi! So great to meet another Biologist in the infertility world! (although for myself I use the term biologist loosely. I have a BS in Biology and am currently working on a Masters in Public Health. Slowly working on it. I worked for five years in an environmental lab doing EPA toxicity testing on water output from factories and plants. It was great work, but the lab was small and I had basically gone as far as I could with them. I started at our local university earlier this year working in Regulatory testing of Feed and Fertilizer for the Department of Agriculture. Also interesting, but not something I see myself doing for years on out. As a full time employee I get free graduate classes, so I am now back in school!) (That was a very long parenthesis.)
ReplyDeleteSo, to the topic of your post, we went the route of telling everyone we were close to that we were struggling. It was a little different for us because we knew before we ever started trying that I would most likely have issues due to my endo. I gave my blog address to family and friends so they could keep up and that helped prevent me from constantly having to discuss the details. It worked for us, but I totally respect your alls desire for privacy. I am sure it is hard to know where to draw the line.
I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you that this will be your month and there wont have to be anymore questions that are so hard to answer.
PS. I am now following! Gotta support the fellow Biologist :)
These questions used to hurt me so badly. They still hurt, but I don't hide anything from anyone anymore. If someone I hardly know makes the mistake of asking, I just let it all out. I'm sure they think I'm crazy! Holding it all in just got to be too hard.
ReplyDeleteI've kind of become an oversharer over the last two or so years. Now I just spill and tell everyone about our struggle. To be completely honest, part of it is because I want to make them uncomfortable for asking.
ReplyDeleteBut before I got to that point, if people asked me "why don't you have kids yet?" or something similar I'd just tell them, "Oh, don't worry. We plan to get pregnant. We're just practicing."
That usually shuts them up.