Yes, I know what NTNP stands for - "not trying not preventing". But I have never really understood what it means. When you are preventing (using protection), you are not trying. I even understand natural family planning methods, where you avoid your fertile days. But if you are not preventing, then you are trying, correct?
This usage drives me nuts. I have been on forums, where everyone on the NTNP board is also obsessing over symptoms like the regular TTC boards. Do they say they are NTNP because they want to tell everyone that they were not really trying (but we had relaxed sex every other day for the entire month) and magically got pregnant?
Ava is almost 18 months. We have never used any form of protection so far. We just try to avoid the "fertile" days. So far no "oops" pregnancies. Even then, every month right before I get my period, I have that familiar ache. That hope that maybe, just maybe I will miraculously get pregnant. Even though I know we never DTD before ovulation. Even though I know my egg is not going to hang around for a week waiting for a super sperm that stayed back from the previous cycle. But you just never know, right?
I wish I could put the thoughts of having another baby out of my mind. I hate that it still consumes me so much. No I don't burst into tears when I get my period, because I know the chances are close to nil. But I still wish and hope and pray that maybe this time it will be easier, and we will "just" get pregnant.
In a few months, we may start thinking about baby # 2 seriously (I already do, every day, but hubby needs to give the green signal). Some days with Ava are so rough, I think I am crazy for even thinking about another baby. But that feeling comes and goes, and I am back to stalking my pregnant friends on facebook, or wondering if they got pregnant on their first month trying.
When will I ever get rid of these feelings? Why can't I just be blissfully unaware of my cervical mucus consistency, know the exact day I am ovulating from the nagging tugging on one of my ovaries, or the exact day and sometimes time of day AF will show up? I wish I could just go on with life without always harboring thoughts and hopes of a possible pregnancy.
In other news, things are better with hubby. We did have some long talks that ended up in tears (no surprise there), but both of us are trying to make an effort at our relationship. Meanwhile, I am just glad summer is finally here and I can spend some of Ava's pent up energy at the park.
Finally, does anyone still read this poor neglected blog?
For me at least, I don't know that those thoughts will go away - especially given our "treatment" plan for after this pregnancy. I hope that I won't always have the ache to have another baby - and that I won't always feel just a little sad on bg#2's birthday, knowing it is also the day that any hopes of being pregnant again were lost forever.
ReplyDeleteWe would fall into the category of NTNP - but only because we had to use DE to get pregnant and were told that the odds of us getting pregnant "on our own" were less than 1% - I laughed when my ob offered me bcp!!
I hate that IF makes us "crazy" and "hyper-aware" of what our bodies are doing at any given time during the month. Seeing others get pregnant so easily is hard - even though it miraculously happened for us the second time.
I am so glad to hear you and your husband are doing better - this all just takes such a toll.
Thinking of you!
Thank you E. I think of you often. I have so much respect for your strength and how you are handling this. I hope that in time, you will truly feel in your heart that your family is complete.
DeleteI read! I read! I guess we fell in the NTNP stage too when we were surprised with our pregnancy last fall. It is a bit of an odd title though. And yes, as much as we were just getting back into the swing of things, it's hard not to dive right in head first and get back to all of those obsessing thoughts over what was that twinge, am I a day late, that sort of thing. I hope when you are both on board and ready for #2, it happens quickly for you guys. Glad to hear things are going better between you and your husband too.
ReplyDeleteYayy thanks for stopping by. Loved loved loved your pregnancy photos.
DeleteI do! I do! You are in my reader so whenever you decide to write, I am here. I don't even want a second really and I still think I am pregnant all the time and even get a little depressed sometimes that I am not. I think it is a hard thing to walk away from. Glad to hear things are better with hubs and sending you good thoughts for the future.
ReplyDeleteHaha, some days I am sure that "heightened sense of smell" is a pregnancy symptom. But wait, I haven't even ovulated yet !
DeleteI don't understand when people say NTNP either. I think that is just what women who want to have a baby say when their partner is not quite ready to start trying 100% to ease them into the idea! ha ha!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand that wishing to just find out that you are pregnant...ugh.
Glad you and hubs are in a better place. Hugs.
I agree, the women are always completely into TTC, probably because they are the ones picking up on all the changes their body undergoes.
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