Saturday, January 26, 2013

What happened to us?

Hubby and I have known each other for 27 plus years. We are old family friends. Our families kept in touch and we used to meet once in a few years (we lived in different cities). We became good friends again when the internet and email and chat became our helpers and messengers. Friendship turned into love...and the rest, as they say is history!

All marriages have their ups and downs. I always felt like the first year of our marriage was the hardest. Understanding each other, getting used to living with each other, adjusting with each others families. By year 2, we had settled in. There was a period of almost 2 years when we lived in different cities when hubby found a job and I was still in school. That was really really tough. We missed each other so much.

After I graduated, I moved in again and all was well. Till we had trouble conceiving. I was miserable through that year and a half. I was sad, angry, jealous and probably acted like a crazed woman. But hubby was my rock all through. He held me when I cried after another cycle went bust. He told me that we would be fine, just the two of us. He supported me through my decision to seek help.

Once we conceived baby girl, I began to act sane again. Then the storm hit. Our little one was born so so sick, we didn't know what had hit us. Days of crying, praying, hoping, being scared, trying to prepare for the worst. All I remember about those days is praying like I have never prayed before, all the while holding hubby's hands. But I knew something had changed between us. It was hard to explain. Hubby felt miserable that he hadn't been able to protect his little girl. He felt angry that he was unable to take care of me while I was recovering from delivery. For the first time, he felt helpless.

I am convinced he had some sort of post traumatic stress issues. It was hard on both of us, but as our little one began to get better, I had hope. I knew I had a big responsibility of taking care of her and nurturing her back to health. But hubby was so so paranoid all the time. He kept expecting everything to get worse again. I had to hold the fort, so to speak.

Even today, when baby girl gives the slightest cough, or sneezes, hubby looks at questioningly, almost like he's asking "is that pneumonia, should we get her to the hospital"? It makes me angry that he is not able to enjoy the good moments because he is so scared to be happy, lest everything good disappears again.I have told him outright that I think he is depressed to some degree. He agrees, but says he cannot change how he feels.

Ever since baby girl came home, our relationship feels strained. I know kids can change your relationship. But I thought our relationship was built to weather any storm.

These days I feel like everything I do is perceived as wrong. Hubby has always been so calm. But now, I can't say anything without us ending up with an argument. Just today, this is the third time I have walked out of a conversation angry and in tears.

I hope "this too shall pass". Maybe I need to get back to work. Maybe being at home gives me too much time to over think everything. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I need reassurance that I am still loved.

Right now, I am sad. If we didn't have to go through all that we did with our little one, maybe we would still have been that loving couple with a healthy happy child. Some days I look at hubby and think I don't even recognize him. Where is that man that I loved? I hope with time things will get better. Maybe I'll learn to love this changed man again. Maybe he will see me more again as his wife, and not just his daughter's mother.

I had to write this. Its been on my mind for so long. Right now, my head hurts and my heart is heavy. What happened to us? Why did we have to change?


  1. We have been going through this as well. It is so hard. We work so hard at becoming parents and then, when the dream is achieved it is like we start to fall apart. I even asked my husband the other day "What happened to us?" He didn't have much of an answer other than that we needed to work on getting back to where we were. The feeling of walking on eggshells, afraid to say something because you know it will end in a fight is just terrible. I wish I had some great advice for you.
    Maybe try a date night (or afternoon)?
    I am here if you want to talk or need anything:
    dreamingofbabies at gmail

  2. I can't understand all you went through with your sweet girl being so sick but I can 100% relate to feeling the disconnect with your spouse. I too feel that he is judging me sometimes, and thinking I am not doing a good job. It makes it hard ti have conversations too when you are sleep deprived and both people are irrational! Plus, when do you argue when there is a little person always needing your attention?!

    I miss my hubs a lot, miss what we used to be, miss getting all his attention and at the same time, I am praying that our new normal becomes a solid foundation for our future and our family.

    As you said, this too shall pass, marriage (and life) is full of seasons; some good and some hard but committing to working through it and trusting God's perfect plans will hopefully ease some of the burden. Praying for you today xx

  3. There are times when I feel removed from Blue, like there's some kind of thick wall between us. But somehow we always find our way back. But it's not always easy. And to a degree, he acts very similarly to your husband.

    It's really hard when you know someone for so long and you've been through so much together. I always say to Blue that we fight like psychics; we don't wait for the person to react to what we just said, we assume we know how they're going to react before a word is said, which causes so many problems.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. My advice, and by no means professional, take an evening(or if you can pull it off night or weekend) and spend it with just the two of you. Agree ahead of time not to talk about baby girl and don't discuss your problems. Do something you both like and enjoy it together. Keep your mind clear and open and the mood light. I know for Blue and I, we both really need an emotional (and physical connection) quite often. Things are definitely worse when we go to long without connecting together. Wishing you the best! -Toni

  4. I think all relationships, especially after dealing with IF, a sick baby, and then bringing baby home, ebb and flow. There was a time when we felt like "just Chloe's parents" and not a married couple. It's hard to find the time sometimes to focus on one another, and we are no experts, but I really do believe it takes more work now than it did when it was just the two of you to keep the marriage strong. Like Holly said, I'm sure you guys will find your way back and get in sync again. Hang in there and know you are definitely not alone.