Hubby and I have known each other for 27 plus years. We are old family friends. Our families kept in touch and we used to meet once in a few years (we lived in different cities). We became good friends again when the internet and email and chat became our helpers and messengers. Friendship turned into love...and the rest, as they say is history!
All marriages have their ups and downs. I always felt like the first year of our marriage was the hardest. Understanding each other, getting used to living with each other, adjusting with each others families. By year 2, we had settled in. There was a period of almost 2 years when we lived in different cities when hubby found a job and I was still in school. That was really really tough. We missed each other so much.
After I graduated, I moved in again and all was well. Till we had trouble conceiving. I was miserable through that year and a half. I was sad, angry, jealous and probably acted like a crazed woman. But hubby was my rock all through. He held me when I cried after another cycle went bust. He told me that we would be fine, just the two of us. He supported me through my decision to seek help.
Once we conceived baby girl, I began to act sane again. Then the storm hit. Our little one was born so so sick, we didn't know what had hit us. Days of crying, praying, hoping, being scared, trying to prepare for the worst. All I remember about those days is praying like I have never prayed before, all the while holding hubby's hands. But I knew something had changed between us. It was hard to explain. Hubby felt miserable that he hadn't been able to protect his little girl. He felt angry that he was unable to take care of me while I was recovering from delivery. For the first time, he felt helpless.
I am convinced he had some sort of post traumatic stress issues. It was hard on both of us, but as our little one began to get better, I had hope. I knew I had a big responsibility of taking care of her and nurturing her back to health. But hubby was so so paranoid all the time. He kept expecting everything to get worse again. I had to hold the fort, so to speak.
Even today, when baby girl gives the slightest cough, or sneezes, hubby looks at questioningly, almost like he's asking "is that pneumonia, should we get her to the hospital"? It makes me angry that he is not able to enjoy the good moments because he is so scared to be happy, lest everything good disappears again.I have told him outright that I think he is depressed to some degree. He agrees, but says he cannot change how he feels.
Ever since baby girl came home, our relationship feels strained. I know kids can change your relationship. But I thought our relationship was built to weather any storm.
These days I feel like everything I do is perceived as wrong. Hubby has always been so calm. But now, I can't say anything without us ending up with an argument. Just today, this is the third time I have walked out of a conversation angry and in tears.
I hope "this too shall pass". Maybe I need to get back to work. Maybe being at home gives me too much time to over think everything. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I need reassurance that I am still loved.
Right now, I am sad. If we didn't have to go through all that we did with our little one, maybe we would still have been that loving couple with a healthy happy child. Some days I look at hubby and think I don't even recognize him. Where is that man that I loved? I hope with time things will get better. Maybe I'll learn to love this changed man again. Maybe he will see me more again as his wife, and not just his daughter's mother.
I had to write this. Its been on my mind for so long. Right now, my head hurts and my heart is heavy. What happened to us? Why did we have to change?