Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Bad Santa

Hey everyone, hope you all had a lovely lovely X’mas. Mine was not so lovely because all I got from Santa was AF. Santa has a bad sense of humor. I tried convincing him about how good I’ve been all year, but he thinks I’m not quite there yet. This holiday season hasn’t been fun. Last Christmas, we were just a few months into trying, so I was sure that by next X’mas, I’d either be pregnant, or celebrating with a new baby! Ha, what was thinkng? This year, I have no such dreams.

Infertility is such a lonely lonely journey. Having a supportive husband is absolutely wonderful and makes it easier to fight the battle. But I have shut myself off from the rest of the world. I usually call or email friends to wish them New year. I haven’t had the heart to do so this year - I don’t want to hear about their babies’ latest achievements, I don’t want to hear about their pregnancy symptoms, and I don’t want to answer questions about our baby making. Sadly, I haven’t even spoken to my grandparents in India. Both of them are not in the best of healths, so I feel guilty for not calling to enquire. But they do ask the dreaded baby question, and I don’t have an answer. I feel like I’m letting them down. I feel like I’m letting my family down for not being able to give my grandparents their first great grandchild, my parents and in laws their first grandchild, and my sister and brother in law their first nephew/niece.

One of my friends had her second baby in Dec, and I haven’t paid them a visit, or even called! I just a sent a congratulatory text (thank god for email and texts). Last month, N was on the phone with his friend, who told him his wife was pregnant with their second baby.  I could hear only one side of the conversation, and I could hear N saying “wow that’s wonderful blah blah”. And I knew, I knew what that meant. I burst into tears...just endless flow of tears. I started sobbing so loudly that N had to leave the room lest the friend heard me. I feel horrible for feeling so jealous - but I am jealous! Can I please have my first baby, before others go on to have their third and fourth babies? Any way, the point is, I need to meet these friends as well, but I have been avoiding it. So basically, we are doing a pretty good job of shutting the world out.

Before I sign off (and to anyone who survived this long and pointless post), wishing you a Happy happy new year! May we all meet our beautiful babies that we have prayed for so long, in 2011.


  1. Hi - I am a new follower of your blog and I too have had trouble with the OPKs - I did find one by clear blue easy that is digital and is an empty circle when negative but is a smiley face when positive. SO much easier and gives peace of mind that it is definitely positive.
    Good luck!

  2. also, they can be used first thing in the morning!

  3. this post was SO not pointless. I'm SO where you are. This week marks 2 years for us...and for the past year I've had this attitude. I don't even like to take pictures anymore!! Because what is the point of taking the same pics, just me and DH, year after year.

    Hope your IUI does the trick and you won't have to endure this heartache any longer.

  4. Hi Keya,
    Thanks for visiting my blog! I do love this online community and how everyone is so supportive. It took me a long time to feel comfortable sharing online, but I am so glad that I have.

    Every RE has a different protocal and it is so hard to know what is the best path to choose. It would be so much easier if there was a standard path that all RE's agreed on. No such luck for us infertiles!

    After waiting for SO LONG, I wanted to pull out the big guns when we finally had the chance to start trying. I used the OPK for 6 months when we still thought that BDing would work, before we got our azoos diagnosis, and was able to confirm that I do ovulate every month. I used them every morning first thing when I woke up. Even though I ovulate, we choose to do medicated IUI cycles to increase our chances. For me I wanted to do anything and everything that might get me pregnant as fast as possible. The emotional pain and trauma of each month that I am not pregnant is just not worth it to not give every month the very best chance. At least, that has been my philosophy.

    It is so sad how you talk about shutting friends and the world out. We've done the same thing. There are some friends who we have actively avoided because they have children. We've avoided so many other situations because I am just not strong enough to be out in public and have to field questions. I feel bad because no one knows why we are avoiding them, and even when we say that we are struggling with infertility it just doesn't mean anything to them. Reading other blogs has actually really helped me find the language to talk about our experience in ways that feel right to me.

    I DO hope that we are celebrating next year with our long awaited little ones.

  5. Infertility is not your fault. Good luck with the IUI cycle. I hope you get some clear OPK results soon. Let us know how it goes.

  6. May the dawning of this New Year
    Fill your heart with new hope,
    Open up new Horizons
    and bring for you promises of brighter tomorrows
    May you have a Fabulous New Year!