Hey everyone, hope you all had a lovely lovely X’mas. Mine was not so lovely because all I got from Santa was AF. Santa has a bad sense of humor. I tried convincing him about how good I’ve been all year, but he thinks I’m not quite there yet. This holiday season hasn’t been fun. Last Christmas, we were just a few months into trying, so I was sure that by next X’mas, I’d either be pregnant, or celebrating with a new baby! Ha, what was thinkng? This year, I have no such dreams.
Infertility is such a lonely lonely journey. Having a supportive husband is absolutely wonderful and makes it easier to fight the battle. But I have shut myself off from the rest of the world. I usually call or email friends to wish them New year. I haven’t had the heart to do so this year - I don’t want to hear about their babies’ latest achievements, I don’t want to hear about their pregnancy symptoms, and I don’t want to answer questions about our baby making. Sadly, I haven’t even spoken to my grandparents in India. Both of them are not in the best of healths, so I feel guilty for not calling to enquire. But they do ask the dreaded baby question, and I don’t have an answer. I feel like I’m letting them down. I feel like I’m letting my family down for not being able to give my grandparents their first great grandchild, my parents and in laws their first grandchild, and my sister and brother in law their first nephew/niece.
One of my friends had her second baby in Dec, and I haven’t paid them a visit, or even called! I just a sent a congratulatory text (thank god for email and texts). Last month, N was on the phone with his friend, who told him his wife was pregnant with their second baby. I could hear only one side of the conversation, and I could hear N saying “wow that’s wonderful blah blah”. And I knew, I knew what that meant. I burst into tears...just endless flow of tears. I started sobbing so loudly that N had to leave the room lest the friend heard me. I feel horrible for feeling so jealous - but I am jealous! Can I please have my first baby, before others go on to have their third and fourth babies? Any way, the point is, I need to meet these friends as well, but I have been avoiding it. So basically, we are doing a pretty good job of shutting the world out.
Before I sign off (and to anyone who survived this long and pointless post), wishing you a Happy happy new year! May we all meet our beautiful babies that we have prayed for so long, in 2011.