Thursday, November 11, 2010

Thanks, but no thanks

People love doling out advice. Whether it is about career, family, beauty, or relationships, whether you want to hear it or not. I was at the receiving end of advice yesterday, when two of my colleagues caught hold of me. I was in the break room, innocently heating my lunch, when both of of them jumped on me. Their advice? "Keya, you need to have kids, NOW".

First I stared at them, rummaging through my head for a suitable answer. I couldn't come up with anything, so I gave a big smile and asked, "and what made you say that?". Apparently, they were talking about another colleague, who had kids quite late. Their calculation was that when his kids went to college, he'd be around 60+. They thought it was extremely selfish of the parents to wait to have kids. They thought it was unfair to the kids that their parents would be too old to run after them, or interact with them as friends etc etc. Never once did they think about the people who probably had kids late because, maybe, just maybe - they couldn't conceive them any sooner! I preferred not to educate them on this matter, because if I mentioned my situation, then that would become the next topic of discussion for them.

My colleagues also talked about how wonderful it was to become a mother, and how it had changed them. I was awkward the entire time. Little did they know that just wanting kids does not guarantee that you can have a baby. Finally, I wriggled out of the situation by changing the subject and fled from there as soon as I could.

I wish I could explain to people my situation. I wish I had a good answer for them when they asked me when we were going to have kids. I wish I could say to people when they gave out free advice - thanks, but not thanks, this is personal and we'll decide when we want kids.

In other news, I am expected to ovulate any time now, and my dear husband is out of town. He left a few days ago, so there in no point thinking "but the sperm can survive at least 5 days". I doubt he'll be back in time to catch the egg. The sad part is, I will continue to hope and pray the entire two week wait. I know that this may not happen naturally for us, but I still continue to hold on to the hope that maybe a miracle will happen, and maybe we won't need the doctors after all.

Our first RE appointment is on Nov 29th. This will be the beginning of the next phase of our journey. I already feel so exhausted emotionally, I am not sure how I will continue on this journey. From what I know, part 2 is going to be far far more emotionally and physically demanding. I guess we'll just have to wait and see....


  1. How horrible. They sound like a bunch of smug fertiles. I never know what to say in those sorts of situations. Sometimes I feel like saying "well as soon as I stop having miscarriages, I'll get right on that". But I don't.

    Good luck with your first RE appointment.

  2. Hi Keya,
    I do feel for you honey. Its so awkward when those conversations come up. Just try not to be too mad with your colleagues and think back to a time before you were TTC and how you may have been the same.

    TTC is a difficult journey when it doesnt go to plan but it does build you as a person and provides you with an outlook on life that is impossible to gain without first hand experience.

    As for your next step, take it all one stage at a time. I never really though we would end up in the middle of an IVF cycle but thats where I find myself right now. Its all an experience which shapes you as a unique person.

    Sending you lots of love,
    Claire x

  3. even before my IF issues, i never thought it was okay to ask pry into other people's family building plans. seriously, what is wrong w/some people? its so hard to handle the insensitve comments and questions from others, even if people don't mean them to be rude and intrusive.

    take the next phase of TTC one step at a time...that's the advice i'd give myself if i could go back in time.

  4. Hi Keya,

    Found you from Claire's blog.. hope you don't mind me popping on here :)

    I like the "smug fertiles" comment. Friends of ours are trying to conceive. They've been trying TWO months and made the comment on the weekend that they didn't think it would be this hard.


    I had to bite my tongue. What made me even angrier was they know we've been trying 2.5 years. YEARS. (Sorry, you can tell I'm still a bit peeved).

    Anyway, we'll always have to deal with people who are clueless about fertility challenges. I guess the best thing to do is just what you did -- change the subject, move on. And if they push it, really make them uncomfortable by saying very calmly, "You know, I want a kids more than anything in the world but my husband and I have been struggling with fertility issues. So it's a difficult subject for me -- I'd rather not talk about it."

    Watch how fast they shut up then! :)

    All the best to you!

  5. Ugh. Sorry you had to deal with that. I really fail to understand why people think something as private as deciding to have child should be a public topic.

    It's quite funny how IF changes you. When I see older parents the first thought that pops in my head is actually that they might have had TTC troubles, which I always feel bad about because I shouldn't lump everyone in the same group.

    Good luck on your first appointment and I'm still hoping for you this cycle.

  6. I like to call those types of comments "assvice" Appropriate no?

    Good luck with your upcoming RE appointment. Hope you were able to find some helpful information on my blog. A lot of the initial consult and treatment stuff were written a few months back.