Yes, I know what NTNP stands for - "not trying not preventing". But I have never really understood what it means. When you are preventing (using protection), you are not trying. I even understand natural family planning methods, where you avoid your fertile days. But if you are not preventing, then you are trying, correct?
This usage drives me nuts. I have been on forums, where everyone on the NTNP board is also obsessing over symptoms like the regular TTC boards. Do they say they are NTNP because they want to tell everyone that they were not really trying (but we had relaxed sex every other day for the entire month) and magically got pregnant?
Ava is almost 18 months. We have never used any form of protection so far. We just try to avoid the "fertile" days. So far no "oops" pregnancies. Even then, every month right before I get my period, I have that familiar ache. That hope that maybe, just maybe I will miraculously get pregnant. Even though I know we never DTD before ovulation. Even though I know my egg is not going to hang around for a week waiting for a super sperm that stayed back from the previous cycle. But you just never know, right?
I wish I could put the thoughts of having another baby out of my mind. I hate that it still consumes me so much. No I don't burst into tears when I get my period, because I know the chances are close to nil. But I still wish and hope and pray that maybe this time it will be easier, and we will "just" get pregnant.
In a few months, we may start thinking about baby # 2 seriously (I already do, every day, but hubby needs to give the green signal). Some days with Ava are so rough, I think I am crazy for even thinking about another baby. But that feeling comes and goes, and I am back to stalking my pregnant friends on facebook, or wondering if they got pregnant on their first month trying.
When will I ever get rid of these feelings? Why can't I just be blissfully unaware of my cervical mucus consistency, know the exact day I am ovulating from the nagging tugging on one of my ovaries, or the exact day and sometimes time of day AF will show up? I wish I could just go on with life without always harboring thoughts and hopes of a possible pregnancy.
In other news, things are better with hubby. We did have some long talks that ended up in tears (no surprise there), but both of us are trying to make an effort at our relationship. Meanwhile, I am just glad summer is finally here and I can spend some of Ava's pent up energy at the park.
Finally, does anyone still read this poor neglected blog?
