Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The right reasons

I have always wanted at least two kids. That is how I saw my life, even as a young girl. Happily married with two kids.

When we were struggling to get pregnant, it scared me to think that I may never become a parent. And at that time, all I wanted was at least one baby.

Ever since baby girl was born, I have been thinking about a second baby. When she was sick and in the hospital, I wondered if my husband would change his mind about ever wanting another child after watching our baby struggle so much. I was worried that he would say that he couldn't go through this again.

As baby girl is approaching 10 months, my heart has been screaming for another child. The hard part is, as an infertile, I don't have the luxury of planning for another baby. If we start trying now, who knows when and if we will ever have another baby.

No, we haven't started trying for another baby. Sometimes the thought of having two kids very close in age scares me - will I be able to handle it, will that mean the older child gets less attention, etc. But then I remind myself that it could take another 2 or more years to finally get pregnant. Its a tough decision. I know pregnancy is never guaranteed to anyone, but I envy people who can decide the perfect age difference, who can conceive in their first month off birth control. I know friends who have 3 babies exactly 3 yrs apart, or some perfect age difference.

I was also thinking about the reasons why I want another baby so badly. Its almost like I want to correct all that went wrong with this birth and delivery. I want to do it right this time. My child was taken away from me an hour after she was born. Then next time I saw her, she was covered in a million tubes, completely sedated, and breathing with the help of a respirator. The first time I ever held her was two weeks later, all the time afraid that I would pull out some line going into her body. I watched my baby struggle, cry in pain, get pricked...I left her alone with some strangers every night for 35 nights. I let the doctors cut into her, if only to keep her alive.

This time around, I want that chance to hold my newborn close to me. I was to feel him/her nuzzle close to breastfeed. I want to smell that newborn smell, show her off to friends and family (ok, I admit, I secretly want another girl, so can I please say "her"?). I want to be able to run to her and pick her up if she cries.  And I want a chance to complain about how hard it can be to take care of a new born, and how tired I am of all the sleepless nights. More than anything else, I want my next baby to enjoy what baby girl missed out on, and I want her be in her mamas arms, not in some hospital bed with 10 different people poking and prodding her.

I feel quite selfish. It feels like this is all about me. Is it wrong to want a child to sort of make amends? It feels like I want another child just so I can finally get that perfect birth experience. My life so far with baby girl has been full of guilt. I feel guilty that I couldn't protect my child from bad things, I feel guilty that I couldn't take away her pain, soothe her enough and be there for her as much as I should have.

I know everything need not be magical the next time around. Please tell me such things don't happen twice? I have already made up my mind about another baby. But I haven't talked to hubby about it yet. I am afraid he will say "lets wait" or just plain "no". Till I get the courage to discuss this with hubby, I'll just stay in my dream world of conceiving on our first try, having a great pregnancy, having the perfect child birth, and getting to hold a beautiful healthy baby.


  1. I want you to have all of that too my dear.

    I know it's hard, but you need to let go of the guilt, because there's no reason for you to feel guilty. You're an amazing mother with an amazing daughter.

    And when your little ones get older, baby girl will always have something to hold over the other one's head "ha! you think you're tough. well let me tell you something..."


    1. Thanks Toni, I guess I need to let go of the guilt. Parenting itself seems to be a whole guilt trip - maybe I'm not giving her nutritious food, maybe I am not stimulating her growing brain enough, maybe if I had changed the diaper sooner, there wouldn't be a diaper rash etc etc..
      It's true, she will definitely have some stories to tell.

  2. Hey girl, I wanted to respond to your question on my blog about the consignment sales I wrote about - they are basically big organized garage sales for kids clothes, toys, furniture, baby gear, etc. You can sell and make some money, or just buy and save money. The items are tagged and dropped off early, the organizers put all the clothes out on huge racks by size (most clothes I've bought so far are no more than $5) and they are all in really good shape. The idea behind it is these kids grow like weeds and don't get to wear their clothes much, so why not pay a fraction of the cost of gently used clothes versus buying new? You'll have to see if you have any in your area! At least here they do them in the fall and spring. The toy selection is pretty good too, those things can get expensive new!

  3. Thanks so much for visiting my blog (The Ferrie Girls). I know it is comforting to see other babies who have gone through similar situations and have turned out to be happy, healthy kiddos!

    While Callum was our 4th, he was also the first to be sick. All of our girls were born healthy, and our 2nd and 3rd girls were home with us within 24 hours. With our 3rd daughter, she never left my chest for 2 glorious hours. I know exactly how you feel, and I so wish I could go back and change things with Callum. Since he is most likely our last, I feel as though I was robbed of that final experience. It's so heartbreaking, and can completely empathize.

    Here is a blog about me feeling similar to you: http://theferriegirls.blogspot.com/2011/11/robbed.html

    I am happy to hear your daughter is doing well.

    And close in age kiddos is a lot of fun! Just jump on in and get ready for a great ride!