The right reasons

I have always wanted at least two kids. That is how I saw my life, even as a young girl. Happily married with two kids.

When we were struggling to get pregnant, it scared me to think that I may never become a parent. And at that time, all I wanted was at least one baby.

Ever since baby girl was born, I have been thinking about a second baby. When she was sick and in the hospital, I wondered if my husband would change his mind about ever wanting another child after watching our baby struggle so much. I was worried that he would say that he couldn't go through this again.

As baby girl is approaching 10 months, my heart has been screaming for another child. The hard part is, as an infertile, I don't have the luxury of planning for another baby. If we start trying now, who knows when and if we will ever have another baby.

No, we haven't started trying for another baby. Sometimes the thought of having two kids very close in age scares me - will I be able to handle it, will that mean the older child gets less attention, etc. But then I remind myself that it could take another 2 or more years to finally get pregnant. Its a tough decision. I know pregnancy is never guaranteed to anyone, but I envy people who can decide the perfect age difference, who can conceive in their first month off birth control. I know friends who have 3 babies exactly 3 yrs apart, or some perfect age difference.

I was also thinking about the reasons why I want another baby so badly. Its almost like I want to correct all that went wrong with this birth and delivery. I want to do it right this time. My child was taken away from me an hour after she was born. Then next time I saw her, she was covered in a million tubes, completely sedated, and breathing with the help of a respirator. The first time I ever held her was two weeks later, all the time afraid that I would pull out some line going into her body. I watched my baby struggle, cry in pain, get pricked...I left her alone with some strangers every night for 35 nights. I let the doctors cut into her, if only to keep her alive.

This time around, I want that chance to hold my newborn close to me. I was to feel him/her nuzzle close to breastfeed. I want to smell that newborn smell, show her off to friends and family (ok, I admit, I secretly want another girl, so can I please say "her"?). I want to be able to run to her and pick her up if she cries.  And I want a chance to complain about how hard it can be to take care of a new born, and how tired I am of all the sleepless nights. More than anything else, I want my next baby to enjoy what baby girl missed out on, and I want her be in her mamas arms, not in some hospital bed with 10 different people poking and prodding her.

I feel quite selfish. It feels like this is all about me. Is it wrong to want a child to sort of make amends? It feels like I want another child just so I can finally get that perfect birth experience. My life so far with baby girl has been full of guilt. I feel guilty that I couldn't protect my child from bad things, I feel guilty that I couldn't take away her pain, soothe her enough and be there for her as much as I should have.

I know everything need not be magical the next time around. Please tell me such things don't happen twice? I have already made up my mind about another baby. But I haven't talked to hubby about it yet. I am afraid he will say "lets wait" or just plain "no". Till I get the courage to discuss this with hubby, I'll just stay in my dream world of conceiving on our first try, having a great pregnancy, having the perfect child birth, and getting to hold a beautiful healthy baby.