Missing home

I am currently stuck in my native country due to visa issues. My visa back is currently stuck at the embassy and no one has any clue how long it will take. They said 5 to 8 weeks. So far its been 5 weeks. But I keep reading that applications get lost in bureaucratic red tape and a lot of people have been waiting for 6 months or more.

My daughter and I are currently staying with hubby's parents. It took a while for Ava to adjust to the weather here. She was sick a lot in the first 3 weeks or so. Bacterial diarrhea, cold, more diarrhea, and some form of UTI (did not show up in urine cultures) or fungal infection (the only other possibility), that was making her scream in pain while passing urine. Finally, after 3 weeks or so we settled in. We therefore did not want to travel to my parent's place, which has a totally different kind of climate, and more opportunities for falling sick.

Living with in laws is - well - interesting. Ok, its hard, really hard. They are absolutely sweet people who try their best to keep us comfortable. BUT. There is absolutely no form of discipline for Ava. The slightest peep and everyone comes running to her rescue. She can shout, destroy, go on a rampage, throw food on the floor, hit, and its all okay. Wow, I make her sound like a monster, which she is not. She is just a stubborn independent toddler who will try to get away with everything if you let her. Which is where discipline comes in. My FIL actually reprimanded me when I told Ava sternly not to bang my tablet on the floor.

Eating is another big drama. She can eat when she wants, what she wants, where she wants. I am told to give her cake, because cake is so full of goodness. Can we please add some sugar to her food so she will like it better? Err, no. Plus, my MIL loves to follow her around trying to feed her, when she has always been used to eating on her high chair. It feels like everything good we have tried to instill in her is being undone.
The hardest part is hubby had to return because his leave expired. Leaving me alone to face the drama. So here I am, battling to look after my child, while being looked at as a bad mother who scolds her daughter and deprives her of sugar. I try to avoid conflict, but sometimes its inevitable. Oh my God I can go on and on.

The worst is that I have no idea how long this will last. Hubby and I have decided that we will wait another 2 months, then he will seriously think about packing up and returning to India for good. We can't do this being in two different continents, waiting for federal agencies to look at my case for who knows how long.

Ahh feels so good to have let off some steam.

In pregnancy news, I had an U/S today. Baby is measuring 9 weeks and 5 days, right on track (thank you Lord). This pregnancy seems like the only silver lining in our seemingly uncertain and miserable life. I had some nausea from about 5 weeks or so, but nothing major - just food aversions, and throwing up a few times after a few bumpy car rides (thanks to the great Indian roads). Nausea seems to have subsided and I feel ok. I am scared to say I feel good, because I used to say this during my last pregnancy, and look where Ava ended up. So I am going to try and tell people I feel crappy, so they feel sorry for me and don't cast the "evil eye". In fact, its an old saying in India that pregnant women and new borns are the most vulnerable to the "evil eye". But thats a story for another day.

Please pray that hubby and the two (ok three) of us can be reunited soon, either in India, or back in the US, wherever God has planned for us. 

Surprise surprise

I can't believe I am writing this post. I am currently in India, blogging at 5 in the morning because I just can't go back to sleep.

I was due for AF last week. I was late. I waited for a couple of days because I figured all the time change and travel must have messed up my cycle. But 4 days is really late for me. Yup, BFP. I am in awe. You know the stories you hear about "we did it once and it just happened"?  Well, here I am. I must be around 5 weeks now. We haven't told anyone, because I am nervous everyone will try to talk us out of taking the transatlantic flight back. Its super early to say anything. We haven't even seen the heart beat.

This time around, everything is so so different. I was nervous just telling hubby about the positive, because I didn't know how he would react. Of course he would be happy, and he was, but he is too practical to enjoy such moments without bringing up some practical aspect. I am so so scared of the thought that if all goes well, I will be handling a toddler and a newborn in a few months. I worry that Ava will miss out on all the attention she deserves once baby # 2 arrives. After all, she is still a baby.

I am also so so thankful that this happened. That we are witnesses to another miracle. That I have a "sesame seed" growing in my belly. That we can give Ava the gift of a sibling.

For those of you with two little ones under 2, how do you handle it?

Last but not the least, never ever travel a long haul flight with a squirmy toddler in your lap. Always always get a seat for the toddler. Even if it means spending another 1500 $.

What is NTNP?

Yes, I know what NTNP stands for - "not trying not preventing". But I have never really understood what it means. When you are preventing (using protection), you are not trying. I even understand natural family planning methods, where you avoid your fertile days. But if you are not preventing, then you are trying, correct?

This usage drives me nuts. I have been on forums, where everyone on the NTNP board is also obsessing over symptoms like the regular TTC boards. Do they say they are NTNP because they want to tell everyone that they were not really trying (but we had relaxed sex every other day for the entire month) and magically got pregnant?

Ava is almost 18 months. We have never used any form of protection so far. We just try to avoid the "fertile" days. So far no "oops" pregnancies. Even then, every month right before I get my period, I have that familiar ache. That hope that maybe, just maybe I will miraculously get pregnant. Even though I know we never DTD before ovulation. Even though I know my egg is not going to hang around for a week waiting for a super sperm that stayed back from the previous cycle. But you just never know, right?

I wish I could put the thoughts of having another baby out of my mind. I hate that it still consumes me so much. No I don't burst into tears when I get my period, because I know the chances are close to nil. But I still wish and hope and pray that maybe this time it will be easier, and we will "just" get pregnant.

In a few months, we may start thinking about baby # 2 seriously (I already do, every day, but hubby needs to give the green signal). Some days with Ava are so rough, I think I am crazy for even thinking about another baby. But that feeling comes and goes, and I am back to stalking my pregnant friends on facebook, or wondering if they got pregnant on their first month trying.

When will I ever get rid of these feelings? Why can't I just be blissfully unaware of my cervical mucus consistency, know the exact day I am ovulating from the nagging tugging on one of my ovaries, or the exact day and sometimes time of day AF will show up? I wish I could just go on with life without always harboring thoughts and hopes of a possible pregnancy.

In other news, things are better with hubby. We did have some long talks that ended up in tears (no surprise there), but both of us are trying to make an effort at our relationship. Meanwhile, I am just glad summer is finally here and I can spend some of Ava's pent up energy at the park.

Finally, does anyone still read this poor neglected blog?