Happy second birthday baby girl

My little one turned 2 today. 2 years since she entered our life. And boy what an entry that was. Its easier to think back about her birth now. Not as many tears. I just try to focus on the joy she has bought into our lives. Her surgery scars seem such an integral part of her now - another ECMO mom calls it angel kisses. Yup, that's where the angels touched her, so she could continue to brighten this world. 2 years and I never got around to writing my birth story. Talk about procrastination.

We have a small birthday party planned for her. I started with really small, and now my small has turned into more than 20 people (kids and adults). We'll see how that goes.

I am 28 weeks along now. I wrote in my last post that I feel perfectly normal. And karma did come back to bite me! Third trimester has hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel so so tired all the time. Like I want to sleep all day. Which is impossible when you have a toddler. Its like I am dragging myself around just trying to get by. I don't remember feeling this tired with my first. Maybe I am older? Maybe its because running after a toddler adds to the work. I also feel like this baby is so much lower. I can literally feel hiccups in my crotch. I can almost feel her sitting on my rectum!! I know, TMI. There's time I stand up mid-pee 'cause it feels like she may fall out.

Last, but not the least, I just bought the home study course of Hypnobabies. Once I receive it, hopefully I will put enough effort into it to reap its benefits at the time of labor. Somehow I have a feeling another pitocin delivery is on the cards, and I want to be prepared for those contractions from hell.

Hypnobabies plus a doula = hopefully an uncomplicated unmedicated birth. Here's hoping.

Its a....

Let me rephrase. Its another girl!! I realized its been crazy long since I checked my blog feed. And what do I see, but two other bloggers also just announced that they are having girls!! 'Tis the season for pretty frocks, lots of sparkle and pink bows.

With our first, I had convinced myself it was a boy, just because I wanted to be prepared to handle the disappointment, just in case it was indeed a boy. I was super excited to learn it was a girl, since that is how I always pictured my life - married with two girls. Its probably because I have a sister and I am so close to her.

This time around, I was somewhat neutral about the gender. Yes, still slightly biased towards a girl, but a boy was absolutely ok too (not that it wouldn't have been ok the first time, of course it would have been fine!). I was more concerned about the anatomy part of the scan - is the heart ok? Does he/she have 10 fingers and toes? Then the tech told us it was a girl, and hubby and I looked at each other smiling. Great, we don't have to invest in a whole new wardrobe. Deep down though, I had this teeny been itsy bitsy niggle - a boy would have been nice too. Maybe its because we don't plan to have any more kids, so I know its two girls and we are done. So I will never know what it feels like to be the mother of a boy. Does that make sense? It was a strange feeling, especially because I had never pictured myself ever as a mother of a boy. No wonder Gautam Buddha calls desire the cause of suffering.

I am once again loving the squirms, kicks, hiccups and all things baby inside of me. I can't believe I have only 15 more weeks or so of experiencing this lovely miracle of what will probably be my last ever pregnancy. Its hard letting go...knowing that I may never experience these feelings ever again.

Meanwhile, I am research and reading up as much as I can about natural child birth. No I am not a crunchy mama. I dare not take an epidural because I am so scared it will bring on all the complications it did for my last pregnancy, so I am trying to be prepared for pain-relief free labor.

If anyone has any insights on hypnobabies, do let me know.

The doula hunt

We are finally back home after a long forced vacation. Vacations are supposed to be fun, but this was no fun vacation, what with Ava falling ill every week or so including a bout of viral fever accompanied by severe vomiting that almost got us in the hospital.

Its good to be back. And now I can finally focus on my current pregnancy. As you all know, I had a really traumatic labor and delivery with my first. I have never posted the complete labor story here, some day I hope I will. Even if I did end up with a vaginal delivery, I do blame the OB and hospital for decisions that I believe got my baby girl into the hospital NICU, fighting to live.

This time around, we decided we wanted nothing to do with that hospital, or the OB practice. We had our first OB appointment in the States with a new doc at 14 weeks. We will be delivering at a different hospital. So far so good...but I'll never trust any doctor ever again. Everything here onwards will be taken with a grain of salt.

After the experience I had with my first birth, where we felt so lost, lonely and helpless, I felt that I really needed a doula. I had never heard of doulas till my first pregnancy. But even then, it was just a passing glance. I thought, if I had so many nurses and doctors at a hospital, why would I need one more person, who is not even medically qualified to add to the mayhem. I now wish I did have a doula during my first delivery. The more I read about doulas, the more I feel that a doula would have helped us take the right decisions, supported us emotionally, and helped me get through the worst of the pain. It may or may not have changed the outcome of baby girl going into distress, but one can only wonder.

Doulas are expensive, anywhere from 500 - 1200 $ (less or more depending on training, number of births attended etc). Its hard to convince oneself to part with so much money, especially when one doesn't know how well spent the money will turn out. Still, it seems a fair amount for some peace of mind and support during labor. The other reason I would really like a doula is because this time, I am hoping for as unmedicated a birth as possible. Last time, the epidural was a big reason things went from bad to worse. As much as I would love another epidural, I am all too aware of its side effects and complications, especially on me. So I hope to labor with minimal pain relief. But I feel like I can only get through that pain if I have a labor coach, someone who will help me through those killer contractions.

So far, I have picked 3 doulas to interview (one person charges 500, one 800 and one person 900). I have met with one person so far. She is also an instructor for childbirth classes, so I am sure she has a lot of tricks up her sleeve. I like her. I don't know if I love her. She tends to push "all natural" a lot, whereas I am of the opinion that interventions happen for a reason. I still wonder if a C-section would have actually helped baby girl as opposed to the stress of the vaginal delivery. I am not sold on her yet. We are meeting with the other two doulas soon, so we'll see how that goes.

I have heard some negative stories about doulas as well, but then again, everything has a positive and negative angle to it. I hope I can trust my instinct and pick the right person to help me through labor this time.

As far as pregnancy goes, its been similar to the last time. I rarely if ever feel pregnant. I guess I am lucky that way. I've always loved being pregnant, and I feel the same way this time. This time I had mild nausea, but nothing to complain about. 3 weeks of feeling nauseous on and off and minimal interest in food is nothing compared to horror stories I have heard. Just today I was talking to a friend who said she was so sick of throwing up, she almost wished this would end (she didn't really mean it, but you can't blame someone who is head down in the toilet most of the day).

A few things different this time is I started to show much sooner. I had a small belly from week 13 and I actually look pregnant, not just fat, at 17 weeks. Last time, even at 20 plus weeks, I was barely showing. I also started feeling flutters from week 14, and I can feel some movement on and off, though not very consistent.

Last, but not the least, I keep thanking my stars that this time around, we were saved all the heart ache of trying to conceive.

Missing home

I am currently stuck in my native country due to visa issues. My visa back is currently stuck at the embassy and no one has any clue how long it will take. They said 5 to 8 weeks. So far its been 5 weeks. But I keep reading that applications get lost in bureaucratic red tape and a lot of people have been waiting for 6 months or more.

My daughter and I are currently staying with hubby's parents. It took a while for Ava to adjust to the weather here. She was sick a lot in the first 3 weeks or so. Bacterial diarrhea, cold, more diarrhea, and some form of UTI (did not show up in urine cultures) or fungal infection (the only other possibility), that was making her scream in pain while passing urine. Finally, after 3 weeks or so we settled in. We therefore did not want to travel to my parent's place, which has a totally different kind of climate, and more opportunities for falling sick.

Living with in laws is - well - interesting. Ok, its hard, really hard. They are absolutely sweet people who try their best to keep us comfortable. BUT. There is absolutely no form of discipline for Ava. The slightest peep and everyone comes running to her rescue. She can shout, destroy, go on a rampage, throw food on the floor, hit, and its all okay. Wow, I make her sound like a monster, which she is not. She is just a stubborn independent toddler who will try to get away with everything if you let her. Which is where discipline comes in. My FIL actually reprimanded me when I told Ava sternly not to bang my tablet on the floor.

Eating is another big drama. She can eat when she wants, what she wants, where she wants. I am told to give her cake, because cake is so full of goodness. Can we please add some sugar to her food so she will like it better? Err, no. Plus, my MIL loves to follow her around trying to feed her, when she has always been used to eating on her high chair. It feels like everything good we have tried to instill in her is being undone.
The hardest part is hubby had to return because his leave expired. Leaving me alone to face the drama. So here I am, battling to look after my child, while being looked at as a bad mother who scolds her daughter and deprives her of sugar. I try to avoid conflict, but sometimes its inevitable. Oh my God I can go on and on.

The worst is that I have no idea how long this will last. Hubby and I have decided that we will wait another 2 months, then he will seriously think about packing up and returning to India for good. We can't do this being in two different continents, waiting for federal agencies to look at my case for who knows how long.

Ahh feels so good to have let off some steam.

In pregnancy news, I had an U/S today. Baby is measuring 9 weeks and 5 days, right on track (thank you Lord). This pregnancy seems like the only silver lining in our seemingly uncertain and miserable life. I had some nausea from about 5 weeks or so, but nothing major - just food aversions, and throwing up a few times after a few bumpy car rides (thanks to the great Indian roads). Nausea seems to have subsided and I feel ok. I am scared to say I feel good, because I used to say this during my last pregnancy, and look where Ava ended up. So I am going to try and tell people I feel crappy, so they feel sorry for me and don't cast the "evil eye". In fact, its an old saying in India that pregnant women and new borns are the most vulnerable to the "evil eye". But thats a story for another day.

Please pray that hubby and the two (ok three) of us can be reunited soon, either in India, or back in the US, wherever God has planned for us. 

Surprise surprise

I can't believe I am writing this post. I am currently in India, blogging at 5 in the morning because I just can't go back to sleep.

I was due for AF last week. I was late. I waited for a couple of days because I figured all the time change and travel must have messed up my cycle. But 4 days is really late for me. Yup, BFP. I am in awe. You know the stories you hear about "we did it once and it just happened"?  Well, here I am. I must be around 5 weeks now. We haven't told anyone, because I am nervous everyone will try to talk us out of taking the transatlantic flight back. Its super early to say anything. We haven't even seen the heart beat.

This time around, everything is so so different. I was nervous just telling hubby about the positive, because I didn't know how he would react. Of course he would be happy, and he was, but he is too practical to enjoy such moments without bringing up some practical aspect. I am so so scared of the thought that if all goes well, I will be handling a toddler and a newborn in a few months. I worry that Ava will miss out on all the attention she deserves once baby # 2 arrives. After all, she is still a baby.

I am also so so thankful that this happened. That we are witnesses to another miracle. That I have a "sesame seed" growing in my belly. That we can give Ava the gift of a sibling.

For those of you with two little ones under 2, how do you handle it?

Last but not the least, never ever travel a long haul flight with a squirmy toddler in your lap. Always always get a seat for the toddler. Even if it means spending another 1500 $.

What is NTNP?

Yes, I know what NTNP stands for - "not trying not preventing". But I have never really understood what it means. When you are preventing (using protection), you are not trying. I even understand natural family planning methods, where you avoid your fertile days. But if you are not preventing, then you are trying, correct?

This usage drives me nuts. I have been on forums, where everyone on the NTNP board is also obsessing over symptoms like the regular TTC boards. Do they say they are NTNP because they want to tell everyone that they were not really trying (but we had relaxed sex every other day for the entire month) and magically got pregnant?

Ava is almost 18 months. We have never used any form of protection so far. We just try to avoid the "fertile" days. So far no "oops" pregnancies. Even then, every month right before I get my period, I have that familiar ache. That hope that maybe, just maybe I will miraculously get pregnant. Even though I know we never DTD before ovulation. Even though I know my egg is not going to hang around for a week waiting for a super sperm that stayed back from the previous cycle. But you just never know, right?

I wish I could put the thoughts of having another baby out of my mind. I hate that it still consumes me so much. No I don't burst into tears when I get my period, because I know the chances are close to nil. But I still wish and hope and pray that maybe this time it will be easier, and we will "just" get pregnant.

In a few months, we may start thinking about baby # 2 seriously (I already do, every day, but hubby needs to give the green signal). Some days with Ava are so rough, I think I am crazy for even thinking about another baby. But that feeling comes and goes, and I am back to stalking my pregnant friends on facebook, or wondering if they got pregnant on their first month trying.

When will I ever get rid of these feelings? Why can't I just be blissfully unaware of my cervical mucus consistency, know the exact day I am ovulating from the nagging tugging on one of my ovaries, or the exact day and sometimes time of day AF will show up? I wish I could just go on with life without always harboring thoughts and hopes of a possible pregnancy.

In other news, things are better with hubby. We did have some long talks that ended up in tears (no surprise there), but both of us are trying to make an effort at our relationship. Meanwhile, I am just glad summer is finally here and I can spend some of Ava's pent up energy at the park.

Finally, does anyone still read this poor neglected blog?

What happened to us?

Hubby and I have known each other for 27 plus years. We are old family friends. Our families kept in touch and we used to meet once in a few years (we lived in different cities). We became good friends again when the internet and email and chat became our helpers and messengers. Friendship turned into love...and the rest, as they say is history!

All marriages have their ups and downs. I always felt like the first year of our marriage was the hardest. Understanding each other, getting used to living with each other, adjusting with each others families. By year 2, we had settled in. There was a period of almost 2 years when we lived in different cities when hubby found a job and I was still in school. That was really really tough. We missed each other so much.

After I graduated, I moved in again and all was well. Till we had trouble conceiving. I was miserable through that year and a half. I was sad, angry, jealous and probably acted like a crazed woman. But hubby was my rock all through. He held me when I cried after another cycle went bust. He told me that we would be fine, just the two of us. He supported me through my decision to seek help.

Once we conceived baby girl, I began to act sane again. Then the storm hit. Our little one was born so so sick, we didn't know what had hit us. Days of crying, praying, hoping, being scared, trying to prepare for the worst. All I remember about those days is praying like I have never prayed before, all the while holding hubby's hands. But I knew something had changed between us. It was hard to explain. Hubby felt miserable that he hadn't been able to protect his little girl. He felt angry that he was unable to take care of me while I was recovering from delivery. For the first time, he felt helpless.

I am convinced he had some sort of post traumatic stress issues. It was hard on both of us, but as our little one began to get better, I had hope. I knew I had a big responsibility of taking care of her and nurturing her back to health. But hubby was so so paranoid all the time. He kept expecting everything to get worse again. I had to hold the fort, so to speak.

Even today, when baby girl gives the slightest cough, or sneezes, hubby looks at questioningly, almost like he's asking "is that pneumonia, should we get her to the hospital"? It makes me angry that he is not able to enjoy the good moments because he is so scared to be happy, lest everything good disappears again.I have told him outright that I think he is depressed to some degree. He agrees, but says he cannot change how he feels.

Ever since baby girl came home, our relationship feels strained. I know kids can change your relationship. But I thought our relationship was built to weather any storm.

These days I feel like everything I do is perceived as wrong. Hubby has always been so calm. But now, I can't say anything without us ending up with an argument. Just today, this is the third time I have walked out of a conversation angry and in tears.

I hope "this too shall pass". Maybe I need to get back to work. Maybe being at home gives me too much time to over think everything. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I need reassurance that I am still loved.

Right now, I am sad. If we didn't have to go through all that we did with our little one, maybe we would still have been that loving couple with a healthy happy child. Some days I look at hubby and think I don't even recognize him. Where is that man that I loved? I hope with time things will get better. Maybe I'll learn to love this changed man again. Maybe he will see me more again as his wife, and not just his daughter's mother.

I had to write this. Its been on my mind for so long. Right now, my head hurts and my heart is heavy. What happened to us? Why did we have to change?

No more TV

No more television/cable in our home. We didn't take the decision. Our dear daughter did.

Baby girl is now climbing everything. I mean everything that she possibly can. She doesn't care about how stable the item is. She can't really get off anything, so we are always right there acting like a safety net. Things ranging from an overturned ottoman to a very unstable fisher price musical table. Sometimes she climbs into her toy box and sits there playing with things. So far we have had one major fall, where I couldn't catch her fast enough, and she got a big goose egg on the back of her head. It is so scary watching her. But its also funny, because she knows she shouldn't be doing it. So she climbs, stands atop and then points a finger and babbles a long lecture (almost like she is justifying why she climbed it).

The last few days she has been obsessed with our TV stand. It is a very unstable piece of furniture. We have a small 27 inch LCD TV sitting on it. I must have removed her from the stand a hundred times combined with a lot of "no"s and instructions not to climb. Yesterday she climbed the stand AGAIN. This time she lost her balance and caught the TV as she started to fall. Of course I was right there and caught her before she fell. But I couldn't save the TV. It fell on its face. Later when I turned it on, I realized the LCD screen inside had cracked. From the outside it looks only mildly scratched. But its done for and is currently in the trash.

I am of course glad baby girl didn't get hurt. I read later online that lots of toddlers get badly hurt (or worse) due to falling furniture, half of which are because of falling TVs.

I am feeling so guilty about the whole thing. I should have prevented her from climbing up there. I should have caught the TV on time. Plus its such an unnecessary new expense, especially now that we are a single income family.

For the time being we have decided to go with no TV and cable for a while. We removed the stand (and the glass top coffee tables) from our living room. Atleast till she is a little older.

So for those of you with climbers, please anchor the TV and any other furniture that could possibly fall. However careful you are, it could happen to you.

I want a baby

I want another baby :( I know, like my hands aren't full already. Baby girl is one. I am so ready. But hubby isn't. Sigh. There's another wave of newborns on my FB friend feed. I need to get off FB. Its bad for me.

Almost a toddler

Where did the year go? My baby is almost a toddler. I have always found statements like "they grow up too fast" very cliche. But now I truly know what that means. One day they are tiny little things all warm and content in your arms, the next day they are off exploring the world around them. My baby girl will be 1 in a little over two weeks!

I may have said this before, but the first month when she was in the hospital felt like a year, but after that. time just flew. It has also been almost a year since I left work. I started my maternity leave a year ago, but once we knew of her complications, I decided to quit and stay home with her. We can't have her get sick again. We don't know how badly a seemingly harmless flu could affect her. She has had stronger antibiotics and more medicines than most people have in a lifetime.

I am so happy I took the decision to stay home with her. Its been a fun first year. And I was fortunate to have been right there for every one of her major milestones. But as much as I loved this time home with her, I hope to start looking for work again some time next year. As young babies, they need you so much more. But now that she is getting more independent, I have a hard time keeping her busy and engaged.

I may be biased, but baby girl has been a very easy child so far. She has always slept very well. She has never been too fussy, and is pretty happy and content most of the time. She is a very cautious person, and approaches new toys and situations very carefully. Although she did have some stranger anxiety at first, she loves people now. She loves going out and meeting new people. However, she is wary of men, and prefers the company of women and children. Oh and she has no teeth yet! Not one! My mom said I got my first teeth at 14 months, so she probably takes after me. But that hasn't stopped her from gumming everything from pasta to beans, tortillas and chicken.

We have no big plans for a first birthday. The thought of her birthday brings mixed emotions in me. I am excited and happy, yet it brings back all the horrible memories of Nov 2011. I have read that moms of preemies have very similar emotions about first birthdays. I hope I am able to put it away, and make it a special day from baby girl....my brave warrior, my hero, my miracle. We love you so much.

Good bye Pump

Dear Ameda elite,

Thank you for being my constant companion the last 10 months, whether I liked it or not. You gave me company on many a long nights, when I had to sit and pump, while my child and hubby slept. We always had a love-hate relationship. As much as I hated you, I am still glad that with your help, I was able to give my baby breast milk for 10 months. But now that you are leaving, I am not going to miss you at all. I will be glad to get back the time that I once spent hooked to you, for something more useful - such as sleeping, or typing an email with two hands instead of one, or browsing using both hands. No more pumping, no more constant washing of pump parts. Although weaning has been more emotional than I imagined, I will try to take pride in having made it this far, and push away the guilt that I could have continued for just 2 more months to make it to a year. Good bye.

Keya

Thrush...ugh

Almost 10 months of pumping and do I have to deal with this right now? I've been weaning off the pump and am down to 1 pump a day. And now I think I have thrush. Its a self diagnosis made thanks to Dr. Google.

Any suggestions about how to deal with thrush? Any one had to battle this? My boobs are crazy itchy and red (I know, TMI). My nipples are cracked. Its not painful, but its bothersome. And I don't want my daughter getting it. Suggestions welcome!

EDITED:
Turns out it was not thrush after all. It was an allergy to the pump plastic. As soon as I stopped pumping, my skin got better and started healing. All that pumping had made my skin hate the plastic I guess. Or my body was telling me it was time to stop!

The right reasons

I have always wanted at least two kids. That is how I saw my life, even as a young girl. Happily married with two kids.

When we were struggling to get pregnant, it scared me to think that I may never become a parent. And at that time, all I wanted was at least one baby.

Ever since baby girl was born, I have been thinking about a second baby. When she was sick and in the hospital, I wondered if my husband would change his mind about ever wanting another child after watching our baby struggle so much. I was worried that he would say that he couldn't go through this again.

As baby girl is approaching 10 months, my heart has been screaming for another child. The hard part is, as an infertile, I don't have the luxury of planning for another baby. If we start trying now, who knows when and if we will ever have another baby.

No, we haven't started trying for another baby. Sometimes the thought of having two kids very close in age scares me - will I be able to handle it, will that mean the older child gets less attention, etc. But then I remind myself that it could take another 2 or more years to finally get pregnant. Its a tough decision. I know pregnancy is never guaranteed to anyone, but I envy people who can decide the perfect age difference, who can conceive in their first month off birth control. I know friends who have 3 babies exactly 3 yrs apart, or some perfect age difference.

I was also thinking about the reasons why I want another baby so badly. Its almost like I want to correct all that went wrong with this birth and delivery. I want to do it right this time. My child was taken away from me an hour after she was born. Then next time I saw her, she was covered in a million tubes, completely sedated, and breathing with the help of a respirator. The first time I ever held her was two weeks later, all the time afraid that I would pull out some line going into her body. I watched my baby struggle, cry in pain, get pricked...I left her alone with some strangers every night for 35 nights. I let the doctors cut into her, if only to keep her alive.

This time around, I want that chance to hold my newborn close to me. I was to feel him/her nuzzle close to breastfeed. I want to smell that newborn smell, show her off to friends and family (ok, I admit, I secretly want another girl, so can I please say "her"?). I want to be able to run to her and pick her up if she cries.  And I want a chance to complain about how hard it can be to take care of a new born, and how tired I am of all the sleepless nights. More than anything else, I want my next baby to enjoy what baby girl missed out on, and I want her be in her mamas arms, not in some hospital bed with 10 different people poking and prodding her.

I feel quite selfish. It feels like this is all about me. Is it wrong to want a child to sort of make amends? It feels like I want another child just so I can finally get that perfect birth experience. My life so far with baby girl has been full of guilt. I feel guilty that I couldn't protect my child from bad things, I feel guilty that I couldn't take away her pain, soothe her enough and be there for her as much as I should have.

I know everything need not be magical the next time around. Please tell me such things don't happen twice? I have already made up my mind about another baby. But I haven't talked to hubby about it yet. I am afraid he will say "lets wait" or just plain "no". Till I get the courage to discuss this with hubby, I'll just stay in my dream world of conceiving on our first try, having a great pregnancy, having the perfect child birth, and getting to hold a beautiful healthy baby.

Exclusively pumping: My experience

I have at least 10 "new posts" that are all half written. I hope I manage to finish and post at least this one.

My little one completed 7 months. I can't believe we are here. I still think of that first month and shudder. Not a day goes by when I don't think about those awful awful days. But it gives me all the more reason to hold my baby closer, smell her, look into her eyes and tell her how much I love her. How we almost lost her. How thankful we are to the Almighty for keeping her safe.

But I digress.

I just wanted to write this post, to give hope to the mothers out there who have a hard time breastfeeding, for whatever reasons (not latching, sick baby etc). My little one was exclusively fed "IV fluids" for the first two weeks. During that time, I was adamant that I wanted to pump breast milk (BM). The staff at the neonatal intensive care unit were extremely supportive of this. I remember the first few nights, sitting up at night, trying to squeeze out the colostrum (because I didn't have enough to use a pump), while my husband called the hospital to find out how baby girl was doing. We don't know how we got through those few days, but I continued to express whatever I could. I remember how embarrassed I was when I first gave a few ml of colostrum to the nurse to put in the freezer. But the nurses assured me that my milk would come in. As hard as it is to write, the truth is, I remember thinking once "Is there a point pumping milk, will she ever taste this milk...will she make it?". As awful as the thought was, things were so bad at that time that the thought did occur to me.

When I sat by my little girl, who was completely sedated and covered in wires and tubes, I felt absolutely helpless. And I knew that as a mother, the only way I could help her at that time, was to pump and freeze the precious breast milk, because some day she would need it, and some day I would be able to give it to her. I knew that as a sick baby recovering, she would need all the help she could get. Pumping in the hospital was difficult. I had to tear myself away from her bed side to go pump every three hours. In the pump room, I would chat with the other mothers, mostly moms of premature babies who were also trying to help their little ones any way they could.

As I mentioned in a previous post, my daughter had feeding difficulties. We literally started with 5 ml of BM by mouth and the rest by nasal tube beforeworking our way up to full feeds (which took about two months). I continued to pump after she got back from the hospital. I rented a hospital pump. I managed to give her only BM for 6 months! Since I had a stash of frozen milk from her time at the hospital, I had enough for her. After 6 months, I supplemented with formula whenever I fell short. We also started solids at 6 months.

Going on to 8 months, I am still pumping, and she gets mostly BM! My aim had been to make it to 6 months at least, but since I still have a decent supply, I figured I'll continue for as long as I can (and as long as this doesn't drive me insane). I started with 6 -7 pumps, but have now have dropped to 3 pumps a day. It is definitely inconvenient and sometimes irritating, when I have to sit and pump when the rest of the household is sleeping. But browsing or reading a book really helps with the boredom. Interestingly, there was this one time I had a bad cold and sore throat. I was so worried that baby girl would end up getting sick too, something we didn't want to happen, especially due to her weak lungs. Miraculously, she didn't get sick, and I think the antibodies in the milk may have helped her.

So I just wanted to say that exclusively pumping is definitely possible! You can do it too, if the need arises. A few things I learnt:

1. If you are exclusively pumping, it makes sense to rent a hospital pump. I found a place that rents Ameda elite pump for 38 $ a month!
2. Pump at least every 3 hrs in the beginning. Remember, pumping is not as efficient as baby nursing, so you want to pump often. After around 12 weeks, you can drop a couple of pump sessions, since your supply is now established.
3. Don't be discouraged by the few drops of colostrum in the beginning. Your milk will come in.
4. If you have supply issues, try Fenugreek. I did, and I think it worked for me - it did increase my supply by a few oz. Also, if you see a drop in supply, pump an extra session.
5. Its ok to supplement with formula. Sometimes there isn't enough milk, and there is no point blaming yourself or fretting over it. Do what's best for your little one.
6. Pump when the baby sleeps. That way you don't miss out on spending time with her.
7. Take each day as it comes. I never thought I'd make it this far.

I hope this helps. Feel free to contact me if you have questions about exclusively pumping. Its a long and sometimes boring journey, but in the end, definitely worth all the effort for your baby!

Long Overdue Update

If anyone still follows this blog, my apologies for being so lazy about updating! Its been more than 3 months since my last post.

Our little girl is doing much better now (thank God). She is now 5 months plus. She is pure joy, and I love every second of my time with her. After all that she went through, I appreciate every moment spent with her more than ever - always with the knowledge that this may not have been. She still has residual problems of having been on the heart-lung bypass machine and the ventilator. A major problem is that she has feeding issues due to paralysis of one of her vocal cords (a result of either the surgery for being on the machine, or the ventilator). As a result of the vocal cord paralysis, she runs a risk of aspirating fluids. A swallow study was done when she was in the hospital, that showed that even though she aspirated fluids of regular consistency, she could drink milk thickened with a thickening gel.

When baby girl first came back from the hospital, she had a naso-gastric (NG) tube (a tube that goes through the nose into the stomach). This was because her milk was so thick, that she had a hard time taking the entire feed directly through bottle. Imagine sucking milk shake through a slow flow nipple. She would drink 20 - 30 ml, then fall asleep. So we had to use the NG tube to supplement the milk she couldn't take by bottle. The one thing we had to do before we left the hospital, was practicing how to insert the tube, since in case she pulled out the tube at home, we had to learn to put it back. I remember doing it for the first time, and crying so hard afterward. It was just awful, having to stick a tube into the nose of your crying sputtering baby. The nurses were amazing, and reassured me that it was all for the best.

When we first came home, we also had to connect baby girl to an breathing and heart beat monitor, since the NG tube posed risk of fluid getting into the lungs if it was displaced for some reason. That was hard too - if we moved from one room to another, we would have to lug the monitor along. Just as baby girl would asleep, the stupid monitor would shriek, because the leads attached to her body would fall off  - waking the poor child up. Let's just say, the first two-three weeks back from the hospital were hard. Of course, we were just glad to have her home with us, so it didn't seem to matter as much. Fortunately, she learnt to take her entire feed by bottle within two weeks, and we took out her tube the day before X'mas!!

There is so much I want to write, I guess I am rambling!! Maybe, I'll manage to find time more often to post (maybe). Since I pump, I feel like I am stuck to the pump every time baby girl takes a nap. I usually browse with one hand while I pump, but typing is just difficult - which is why I haven't had a chance to post sooner.

I hope our troubles are in the past. I hope baby girl continues to do as well as she is doing now. She is such a brave girl, and I am so proud of her. Just today, she dragged herself (commando style?) quite some distance on her tummy! She is starting to get quite mobile now, and watching her reach her milestones makes me so proud (and thankful, because we have to make sure she is not behind on her milestones, since the lack of oxygen during her initial few hours may have affected her brain).

I think I should wrap up now! Thanks to all the readers who managed to read the entire post!

Back home

We spent 35 days at the NICU, and came back home two weeks ago. The first two weeks of her life, baby girl was fighting for her life. She was born with a condition called pulmonary hypertension, where her fetal circulation does not switch to normal circulation like it should with the first breath. She was on a heart lung bypass machine for 5 days, and then a ventilator for 2 weeks.

She made it with all the prayers she received. By God's grace, she is home and doing well. Thank you so much for your prayers and wishes. It means a lot to us. Hope to write a detailed post soon.

Prayers needed

Our baby girl arrived 3 days ago. She is critically ill, and is in the NICU. Please pray for her.

Almost 36 weeks...wow!

I can't believe I am almost 36 weeks! Things have been going smoothly so far and fortunately I have no major discomforts.

I do have a few of the common third trimester complaints (but I don't like to call it a complaint because I am not complaining!). Sleep is not as perfect as it used to be. I am the kind of person who can sleep sitting down if you ask me to - any time any where. I can sleep in the evenings, then again sleep through the night. My husband used to be soo jealous that I could fall asleep anywhere. Not anymore though. Falling asleep after getting up to pee can be difficult. Also, the nose congestion doesn't help either. The funniest thing is when I have to turn in bed. So I sleep on one side, and when I have to turn, I have to sit up in bed, and then turn to the other side. I can't just roll over like earlier. All this will hopefully prepare me for the many sleepless nights ahead.

Then there is the pressure "down there". When I sit in a place for too long, and then get up, I can barely walk, and I have to literally waddle because all the muscles seem tight, and there is this feeling of pressure. It usually goes away after I waddle around a bit. I have always wondered why pregnant women waddle - now I know!!

The general consensus seems to be that my bump is on the smaller side. And I think that's ok, because it doesn't come in the way much. I have friends who became huge, and they had so much difficulty just getting up from the couch. The doctor says the baby is measuring right on track, which is all that I care about. As for weight gain, I think I am on the lower end, because I had gained about 18 lbs at 35 weeks. Again, the doc said it wasn't of any concern. My appetite has not increased significantly, and thanks to my glucose levels, I can't binge on sugar either. Maybe all this will help shed the weight later?

I have so many other things to discuss, but with work, I barely have time to blog. Kindly note - I have been commenting without fail! I have three more weeks of work before maternity leave starts. I start my maternity a week before my due date. The whole "maternity leave in the US sucks" deserves a brand new post that I hope to come around to some time.

I know a few bloggers who are cycling - and have just had their transfer, or will be transferring soon. Wishing you loads of luck. Can't wait to hear about your BFPs!

Sugar woes

I went in for my one hour glucose tolerance test (GTT) around 29 weeks. The sugary drink (orange flavor for me!) was not as bad as I expected, but the results of the test were. My levels after one hour were at 150, while the doctors require a value of 130 or less. I attributed this to the croissant I ate for breakfast before the test, and decided that I would ace the 3 hour glucose tolerance test.
Next week I went in for my 3 hour test. I was very nervous about fasting for 12 hrs, but I managed to fast that long without much trouble. The 3 hour test is no fun at all. You sit there like an idiot for 3 hrs, and get poked on alternate arms every hour or so. And the drink they give is far worse because it has double the amount of glucose. Thankfully, my veins are easy to find, so the poking was not bad, and I didn't feel sick or uncomfortable like a lot of people experience.

I got a call 2 days later from the doctor's office and they said that all levels except my one hour levels were normal. So my 1 hr levels were at 192 (normal is 180 or less) while the other levels were well below normal. They said I should go meet a dietician. I tried asking them what this meant, how important it is to meet the dietician etc, but the lady had no clue. In fact, she gave me the levels only after I asked her for it.  Of course then I frantically googled, but alas, google could not give me any specific answers.

I decided I didn't want to meet the dietician. I'd try to restrict my sugar levels on my own. I confirmed with the doctor that I didn't need to be monitored. She said I would be fine on my own, if I could restrict my diet.

So here we are, off brownies and sweets and chocolates and icecreams. All the stuff I love! Wasn't pregnancy supposed to be the time when you eat what you want without worrying about weight gain? Wasn't this when I could indulge? Thankfully its only another 8 wks or less of low sugar diet, so I think I'll survive. I do still eat rice (which is our staple) but in lesser quantities. I switched from white bread to wheat bread, and keep an eye on how much I hog. I am not sure if this is helping, we'll just have to wait and see when the little one arrives. As far as weight gain goes, I think I am ok, because I gained about 15 lbs by 30 wks.

So far, the one thing I missed during this pregnancy was sex. Yes I know, you ask me why? Because my hubby is scared he'll do something to the baby. Also, I am so sore downstairs that I really don't mind either. Now I can add sweets to the list of things I miss.

Any suggestions about what I can eat and should not? Any one else had glucose intolerance as opposed to GD?

Last but not the least, I am approaching 32 wks and freaking out! More on that later. All in all, I feel great - no tiredness, just minor symptoms that are not too bothersome on and off.

Long overdue

Once again, I have been missing in action. Updates from me are long overdue, and I am really sorry I've been so lazy about blogging. I have been reading and commenting on all your blog updates, its just that I haven't sat down to put all my thoughts into words.

Firstly, I still feel a little awkward blogging about my pregnancy. It still seems surreal, and I keep hoping I am not offending those still waiting for their much deserved two pink likes.  Secondly, I have been really busy at work. And you guessed right, I do write blog posts during lunch breaks at work. And lunch breaks have been really short.

On to updates, I am finally in the third trimester! I can't believe I am actually here! Things seem to be going well so far with the pregnancy. People have finally been noticing the baby bump and asking me when I am due. Till about 20 weeks, I just looked round and the bump looked more like rolls of fat. It seems like my bump is not all that big to begin with, and I started showing quite late. Does that mean little pumpkin is on the smaller side? I know I was a very small baby when I was born, so I have a feeling our princess is going to be on the smaller side as well. Which might work out to my advantage at the time of delivery!

I have been feeling fine so far. It is a little more difficult to sleep at night. I am a continuous and heavy sleeper, but now I wake up a lot more often at night. Its probably just a training session for all the sleepless nights ahead of us. Other symptoms include occasional nosebleeds. But over all I feel quite normal.

My favorite part of being pregnant has been feeling the baby move. I started feeling actual movements (and not just flutters and gas bubbles) only after 20 weeks. But since then, I can feel her move regularly. My favorite pastime is to watch my belly move around. When I am at work, I try to feel her movements (making sure no one is around) because I don't want to miss any of it. The next three months will fly by, and who knows when and if I'll get to feel another baby moving in there in the future. So I want to make the most of these kicks and pokes. I have also felt what might most likely be hiccups - repeated small movements. I try to imagine what she is upto inside, and it always brings a smile to my face.

I will try and add other updates in my next post, I don't want to jam all my thoughts into one long post! That is assuming I stop procrastinating and actually write another post.

Last, but not the least, a shout out to all of you who had babies in the past few weeks. Whether it was IVF, or IUI, or a miracle pregnancy, you have all come a long way to holding your little ones, and I know you will be an inspiration to those still struggling. And a bigger shout out to those currently undergoing cycles, or pursuing adoption - know that the beautiful day when you hold your little one in your arms is not far away.