I still have trouble hearing pregnancy announcements. Last week, my friend informed me about her friend who was pregnant. Now I barely know this friend's friend, so I have no idea why I was being told about someone whom I haven't met in the last 3 years. All I could say was "hmmm". Just today an old classmate emailed me about a common friend who just found out she is pregnant. And I had this weird kind of reaction. My heart raced and my eyes teared up. It was the same kind of reaction I had, every time I received an email or a FB status update about someone getting knocked up. This time around, the reaction was milder, but still very much there!
I reminded myself that if all goes well, I'll have the baby before she does! Almost like it mattered that I had somehow "won" the race. I know I should probably be classified as evil for even thinking such thoughts. I have no idea if this friend struggled to conceive, or if she conceived right away. But I still had this strange feeling of jealousy creep in.
Its almost like I can't let go of this feeling of irritation at people who get it so easily. I know its time I let go, and instead, be thankful for our own situation. BUT, it just keeps coming back. Just the other day, I remember watching an Indian movie with my hubby. In the movie the girl finds out she's pregnant barely a month after they get married. Now Indian movies are dramatic. The universal scene to show that someone is pregnant is to show her puking or fainting, then the mother in law smiling and asking if she feels like eating a sour mango. Its cliche' times 100. As soon as this girl started puking in the movie, I got angry. I said "how dare she, how convenient, how do they get it so easily" etc etc. My hubby had to hold me back and remind me that it was just a movie, and anyway it shouldn't matter to me. But it does, and that's the irony of the situation. My feelings towards pregnancy announcements haven't changed. Maybe over time things will get better and I won't well up on hearing the words "good news"?
I will continue to wonder though, every time I hear news such as these - "was it easy for them, did they just have sex and get pregnant, or did they have to go through a million tests, drive to the doctor for early morning appointments, and have odd things inserted into them?"
Some day I hope to become a better person, but as of today, I am still jealous, evil and bitter. Sigh, I guess I am destined to hell ain't I?
